Llama Lounge

2009 Post Mortem.

2010-01-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

(OK, yeah, I know. I haven't posted on here since October of 2008. Let's just say that I haven't really had all that much to say - at least, nothing real positive. So I've been keeping my virtual mouth shut.)

January 1, 2010 ... so time for a review of what 2009 was for me, and indirectly some of those around me. And now, down into the rabbit hole ....

2009 was the second worst year of my life, without question. The worst was 1995 - that was the year that I was forced into the wheelchair by the Malignant Simian which lives on my back, coupled with a shall we say less than positive living situation at the time. But that's over; 14, almost 15 years ago and I'm past that for the most part. (Some things that happened during that period will NEVER go away.) Back to 2009.

As of right now, I've been unemployed since shortly after I created the last entry in this blog in 10/2008. On 10/31/08, my contract @ Real Networks ended ... and the soundtrack to my work life has consisted of a lot of really loud cricket sounds since then. I've had exactly three face to face interviews since then - two of which looked very, very good after the interviews concluded, and one which was screwed from start to finish. I'll describe these, but please understand that I'm not going to name the companies involved, or anyone with whom I spoke at any of them, because it's just not appropriate and I'm not interested in "calling anyone out", so to speak.

The first interview was back in November of 2008 - and I think that I fucked this one up myself; in looking back on it, I gave very poor answers to questions that are just easy - stuff that I deal with on a daily basis. I wasn't surprised not to be offered that position. This one was my own fault. I blame no one other than myself.

The second interview was in March of 2009. It went very well - I was given a copy of the feedback given to the recruiter afterwards. Every single point they had was positive. They were concerned that, given the fact that I've been around quite a bit over the past few years due to contracting and failed startups, that I'd be a flight risk. I can understand this, however, I made it a point to address this with three of the four people with whom I spoke, to assure them that I'm looking for something permanent, am tired of floating around from job to job, and basically am just looking for a home. I don't think I stuttered at any point ... but apparently I was unable to get my point across successfully.

Nothing at all until around November 2009, although I apply for at least 3 positions each and every week. (This is difficult. 16 years of experience isn't enough anymore?) I finally got a call in regards to a position for which I'd applied back in August. A phone interview was done, which went well, so I was called in for a F2F. This also went well - so a second F2F interview with the entire team with whom I'd be working was setup. This interview also went well. Trying to stay as non-biased as possible, after the interview was over I was of the opinion that I'd be shocked if I didn't get an offer.

Well, I'm still shocked. Apparently I was *too* technical for that job. Ugh.... I think they made a really big mistake. But hey, it's their team. I don't know their thought processes. Maybe I didn't hold my mouth right. Maybe it's the wheelchair. I don't know. I'm not going to spend a lot of cycles worrying about it. I'm just going to keep pushing ... giving up is not in my vocabulary. But it's frustrating as hell.

So, that's the work situation. It is what it is ... all I can do is keep trying, keep plugging. And I intend to do just that.

In other parts of life ... not all that much better, but not entirely negative either. As far as relationships with the opposite sex are concerned, I'm not going to go into vivid detail, but I will say this: this year has taught me that I need to stay away from situations where I'm only important to the other person when it's convenient for her. Need to stick with relationships where feelings are equal on both sides. I'm not getting into anything again where I'm just fine when she wants to bitch and moan about this or that, yet other times I'm completely ignored. This is what I've been dealing with for most of the past year ... and I'm done with that. Life's far too short for that ... speaking of which:

Turned 40 in September, boy that makes me feel great. Not. I should neither worry nor stress out about it; there's not a damned thing I - or anyone else - can do about it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it, either.

On to more positive things. My health has stayed, for the most part, constant this year in that I've not had any real bad MS exacerbations. I can still live alone and take care of myself, and do. Having grown up an only child, I'm used to being alone and entertaining myself; living inside my own mind, if you will.

Saw some really great shows this year! The second week in September was great - on 9/13, I went to the Seahawks season opener with Rich, my best friend from college. The 'Hawks actually won the game and we had hope for the rest of the season ... but alas, the sucking started pretty quickly after that. Right now they're the worst Seahawks team I've seen in 30+ years. Rock bottom has arrived!

Then, on 9/15, my friend Monty & I went to see Porcupine Tree @ the Moore Theatre. What a great, amazing show! It was the first time they'd played the 55 minute epic "The Incident" in front of a live crowd - they did not disappoint at all! Their opening act was off the hook as well ... That 1 Guy. One of the coolest things I'd seen in a very long time and a terrific, fitting opener for Porcupine Tree.

On 11/15 I was able to check an item off my personal "bucket list" when my friend Jeff & I went to see KISS @ Key Arena here in Seattle. Now, I've been a KISS apologist for most of my life - since 1975 - but I had never gotten the chance to see them. If anyone had told me back in 1975 that I'd one day see KISS live, but I'd have to wait until I was 40 and Gene was 60, I'd have laughed and told them they needed to report to the nearest loony bin. But that's how it happened! KISS were great, everything I expected them to be - and NEEDED them to be. I'm glad I got the chance to see the KISS live spectacle before they've run their course.

That's about it for 2009. For the most part, it's sucked donkey balls. Still, I head into 2010 with a positive frame of mind. It can't get worse. It's going to get better. Right?

Right?

The weekend of ... backing up

2008-10-13T09:20:00.001-07:00

... among other things. Last weekend was one of the more miserable ones I've had in awhile.

(It wasn't that horrible - don't get me wrong. No health problems or anything like that. No major relationship problems (there'd have to actually be one for that, anyway). Just a general malaise that permeated the whole weekend.)

Last Friday after work I needed some stuff at the grocery store, so I did what I've done hundreds and hundreds of times, rolled on down to the store (around 5 blocks from my home), got what I needed, then came home. Simple, right?

Not so much. Everything was fine until I went to get out of the elevator. The chair just full-on crapped out - something amiss with the left side, a burned out motor or something. Not being a wheelchair repairman, I can't really guess as to what happened. All I know is the error code. I don't know WHY said code is flashing and the chair won't move.

So, after first getting the fire department to help me out of the elevator and then into my apartment, I managed to get (my w/c repair outfit) to come here and take a look at it. True to my normal M.O. (nothing's ever easy for me, ya know?), the problem was more than the tech was able to diagnose and fix quickly on-site, so he had to take my chair away to their shop.

This left me with two choices - either struggle mightily with a manual loaner for however long it's gonna take to fix my chair, or bite the bullet and buy new batteries for my old, backup chair.

I chose the latter route, so at least I can get around - but I don't dare leave the apartment. The gear box on this chair is massively screwed up, so much so that it makes an ugly growling noise when I go forward. Works and sounds better going backwards - so I've spent the last three days basically backing up everywhere. Which, obviously, sucks - but is manageable.

We'll add that to the weekend in sports in the great city of Seattle. Let's see - Huskies suck, Cougars suck. (Don't care, I'm not an alum of either school. And at least my alma mater beat the shit out of Western yet again.) Then, we have the Mariners, who many before the season actually picked to win the World Series. Worst team in baseball.

Sonics are gone, stolen from us by a carpetbagging Okie hillbilly who, in combination with our ineffectual "leadership" in this area, removed a team with a rich 41-year history.

Seahawks. How the mighty have fallen. Yesterday's game vs. Green Bay was just depressing. I'm not sure how many MORE injuries they have to suffer through this season ... but regardless, no one can ever expect to win when starting a crappy 3rd string QB. It's more than that, though. The defense has fallen so hard that not even us in the 12th man at Qwest Field can help them stop anyone.

Hopefully this week, and next weekend, will be better. As always, time will tell.

Of still inexplicable teary outbursts

2008-09-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

Alright. Time for another of those non-fuzzy memory posts.

I have this really weird mind that tends to remember just about everything, no matter what I may do to try and 'normalize' it, if that makes any sense. I especially remember the difficult stuff, the things that were unpleasant, or strange, or painful. Why can I remember all these things so well - like they happened yesterday - when the really GOOD things that I wish I could remember better go away?

Perhaps this is the -real- human condition and my brain is working itself around so that it's more 'normal' as far as memory is concerned. Quite frankly, I wouldn't mind if it'd just stop that, and leave my head to its own devices.

A short update - my 39th birthday was yesterday. Whatever. I've spent enough time stressing out about it. There isn't a damned thing I can do about it, so worrying is just a waste of cycles.
As I predicted in the last entry, the faux relationship or whatever I was involved in finished gracefully yesterday. We are still friends, and that isn't going to ever stop - so we've not completely pulled off porcine behavior and crapped where we eat. :) There are things about it that I'll miss ... see if you can figure out which ones ... but it's not worth losing a friend over.

On to the latest memory; as I mentioned in the last blog entry, this isn't one of those sappy, maudlin, normal memories... instead it's weird and STILL confusing to this day.

A great performance ... an inexplicable teary outburst

Back story on this: (will keep it short lest I be accused of too much self-aggrandization): in the mid to late 1980s in Southeast Alaska, I was relatively 'famous' amongst the high school band community, as I held a stranglehold on the 1st chair alto sax positions for both SE honor band and all-State honor band for my last 2 years in high school. Every year there was a music festival where all of the high schools (and the combination K-12 schools in the smaller villages) would gather, play, and generally have a good time. Each year I'd play a solo piece with piano accompaniment, and never failed to get a command performance, where you'd come back and play again during the nighttime concerts.

(All that above, 20+ years later, is so completely meaningless. I mean, you could take that and $4 and get a latte at (insert overpriced coffee house here). But it did serve to get me laid more than a few times. Happy times.)

During my last year of high school , and thus my last music festival, I played a piece called Aria, by Eugene Bozza. This is a hauntingly beautiful piece of music which is not challenging from a -technique- standpoint - the challenge is playing it with the right sound, in tune, and with the correct vibrato. Everyone knew then that I could play fast, I've always had good sax chops in that regard - so I chose to play the slower, more lyrical songs for contrast. I had played a similar piece by Paul Dukas called "Alla Gitana" at the festival the year before, having bought the sheet music + accompaniment in Australia.

True to form, it went well, and I got the command performance, which was scheduled for the concert happening the night before the actual wind ensemble performed. The festival was held in Ketchikan that year, which was great - my mom was able to come and hear/see me play. She always came to see me... my dad was another story altogether. He always seemed to have some business trip he had to be on when my performances were happening. (He's gone now - see earlier entries in this blog - and so now I call BULLSHIT on him. But that's not what this entry is about.)

I had a fantastic relationship with my band teacher in high school (what a surprise, right?). From the time we moved to Ketchikan and I ran into him in the high school office when I was enrolling in school, and told him when he said I could be in the "stage band and freshman concert band" and I told him, "That might be a bit too easy ..." (Yes, I was an arrogant little bastard, even at 14) He had me come and audition for him later that day ... when I proceeded to sight read the most difficult chart he had for both the Jazz Ensemble *and* the Wind Ensemble, a beautiful friendship was born that still exists in some form today. :)

Forward, then, to my last SE Music Festival. Since we were in Ketchikan, we (the students) were all handling announcing the next act to come on, etc., during the nightly performances. My best female friend in high school (female friend, NOT my girlfriend) announced me. I dedicated the performance to the band director, thanking him for the great years we'd had.

I played the song, probably better than I'd ever played it in my life - or since. Everything just worked out perfectly. Got a standing O. (Love those. Who doesn't?) Managed to keep the emotion in during the performance ... after finishing, walked off the stage and embraced the band director. Still feeling emotional - how could I not be? - but keeping the waterworks at bay.

Put my horn away and went down into the auditorium to sit next to my mom. There was a break between my performance and the next group, which was a full wind ensemble, so there was a bit of setup to be done. And then it happened.

Inexplicably, for reasons that even now 20+ years later I'm not sure of, I broke down in tears. These weren't little baby tears, either. I was NOT fucking around. I sat there next to my mom crying my fool head off for some reason I still don't know. I imagine I was embarassing the hell out of my mom ... at that point, I didn't really care - wasn't capable of it.

I'll probably go to my grave trying to figure out why the hell this happened. I've had all kinds of theories over the years. None are satisfying to me. Maybe my life will work out that I'll finally get it - 5 seconds before I croak.

So that's it. Another memory coming ... no promises as to when. As I don't have one in mind currently, I won't say if it'll be happy or sad.

Weekly? Not bloody likely.

2008-09-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm sure it's no surprise to those of you who read this drivel that my plan to post in this here blog on a weekly basis isn't quite happening. There's just too much going on, and to be quite honest editing/adding here is generally not on my radar. Stuff's going on, though, so it's time to post in here, if for no other reason than to record it for prosperity. So let's get started.

First, regular readers will remember awhile back that I posted about being happy to be single. I think I was at that point, but no longer. I'm tired of being alone. It's been far too long since I was in any kind of meaningful relationship... but let's focus on the word "meaningful" for a moment.

Over the past few weeks I've been seeing a lady whom I've known for a very long time. We worked at the same company in the late 1990s - during that time, there was always a sort of -tension- between us (maybe animal attraction is a better descriptor than tension), but we never acted on it while working together. When I left that company, she and I remained friends and were in contact infrequently. That tension (using that because it's fewer keystrokes to type) was still there, though ... always.

Fast forward, then, to an encounter we had downtown recently ... we got to talking, and we're not working together anymore, so ... (readers, you can all add 2+2, right?)

It's a few weeks later now and it's almost over. I'm really not so upset about this. While the sex is very, very nice ... that's all it is. There's no way she & I could ever be a couple. While we were and still are good friends, any sort of committed relationship would just not work. We're two VERY different people. When we first entered into this whole thing, the deal was that if it started to get weird, we'd cut it short. Well, it's getting really weird. I anticipate that it'll not last any longer than one more week or so. Any longer than that and she & I will NOT be friends anymore, which is something neither of us wants to see happen. So we'll cease and desist.

Honestly, I need more than just sex anyway. I do find myself craving intimacy - a healthy relationship based on more than just bedroom activities. It's been quite some time since I've been in one of those - read past blog entries and you can get a glimpse into why - trust issues, for one. Been hurt way more than anyone has a right to be. Hindsight tells me that at least some of that was my fault ... but still, at the end of the day, the hurt feelings remain.

I'm looking for the woman who can get past the physical, look beyond the wheelchair, and see what makes ME tick. The damned wheelchair seems to put off some ladies, and I get it, I guess. Lots of people don't want to deal with someone who so obviously has something very wrong with them. I understand. I don't LIKE it, but I understand.

I tried to put myself on eHarmony, but apparently my personality type isn't something they can deal with. (Sorry that I'm far outside the norm, folks ... if what I am isn't handled by your site, I don't want to be on there anyway. phtpffft.) So, I checked out chemistry.com.

This one is going better. The number of matches I get is pretty low - hey, I'm a weird guy, ya know? - but not empty. I'm currently talking with a lady now who I like very much. We're still in the email phase of things, but I hope we can meet in person soon. She's a cutie, too :) I think she may be the one willing to see past the damned chair. I hope so. We'll see.

I was going to post another memory today but this has gone on long enough. I do know which one is going to be next; heads up: it's not a happy funny shiny happy people smoking crack memory. Quite the opposite, actually. But that's for a later post.

So, something new.

2008-08-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, a good friend of mine who actually reads this nonsense (for some inexplicable reason) suggested that some of the stories/memories I've got of times past might well be a good thing to post in this here blog. After ruminating on it for a period of time, I've decided that I'm going to give that a try.

I don't like living in the past that much. Given what's happened to me in my life, it'd be REAL easy to live in the pre-June 1994 world - before I was diagnosed with MS and the world turned upside down - but I've chosen not to do that, and I won't pull a politician-type flip-flop and start doing it now.

Still, some of these memories are funny. Some are a bit tragic, some maudlin, some ridiculous. Feel free to use your own adjectives as you see fit. I'm going to try and do this once a week. Wish me luck.

Of Evergreen Hospital, wound care, and Baby Spice Nurse

My hospital stay from August - December 2000 is well documented on this blog. But there are funny stories I left out. This is one of them. I won't be using any names here, but I hope you'll find it amusing nonetheless.

I was in the hospital with major league wounds on my posterior, which is what you get when you have to sit on ass all the time without the proper seat cushion. The event I'm describing here occurred pre-surgery, when we were still trying to heal the damned things using conventional means.

There were dressings on my wounds, obviously, which required a bandage change on a daily basis. One of the nurses who would do these bandage changes was a very pretty lady who looked an awful lot like Emma Bunton, better known to most of you as Baby Spice. I'll refer to her as BSN from now on, for Baby Spice Nurse.

One day, she was changing the bandages, which (unfortunately for her) requires the changer to get pretty close to the wound. So, in simple terms, her head was pretty close to my posterior.

There was a running gag going on during this part of my hospitalization about my "agent"... in this situation, this was a bad euphemism for my asshole. (You know, "Talk to my agent, but be forewarned, he's an asshole")

On this day, while BSN was changing my bandages ... my agent spoke - not loudly, but loud enough to get his point across. She was so close to it that we actually saw her hair move, like she was sitting outside on a nice summer day with a cool breeze blowing. This was about the funniest thing any of us (myself and the CNA who was there at the time) had seen in quite some time.

Talk to my agent. He's an asshole. And he has bad breath.

About damned time, eh?

2008-02-21T11:17:00.001-08:00

The Past 20 Months

Well, I didn't quite think that after complaining about how damned hot it was one weekend here in Seattle back in the summer of 2006 that it'd be 20 months before I'd add another entry here. Obviously, I am not a very good blogger ... but then, I don't anticipate that there's a large audience reading this nonsense and pining away for a new entry. (If you were ... I guess I'm flattered; but it does seem patently obvious that you need to get out more :) ) I'll touch on the events since July of 2006 in a systematic way, as is my wont ...

Work

Work's been decent enough. When I last posted I was working at Real Networks, which wasn't a bad thing at all. I enjoyed my time there, liked the people with whom I was working, particularly the boss. I was working in QA; testing portal sites and video streamed out to cell phones via Cingular (they had yet to become the new AT&T). Like any job, it had its frustrations, but the biggest one had nothing at all to do with the work itself, but rather the location of the office. I had posted here before that I could almost hear my chair screaming at me when I was going up the ridiculous hills I had to traverse every day to get from Real Networks to the nearest bus stop. Turned out I was more right about that than I thought - around September of 2006, I finally burned out the motors on that chair. That started a 3 month period where I was unable to leave the house. Care Medical wasn't able to find me an appropriate loaner chair (the first one they gave me bored a hole in my left leg) - at least not until late December - 3 days before I got my new chair, which I'm using now.

This is a better chair with more power, mid- as opposed to rear-drive which makes turning it a LOT easier, and tilt mechanism so I can recline the chair if I want to. (I rarely, if ever, use it) Even with all these new bells and whistles - and a $15,000 price tag (thank goodness for insurance) - it still won't do hills. This one, if I try to go up too steep a hill, trips its circuit breaker. Care Medical moved the breaker switch to a spot where I can reach it - but I'm still not doing steep hills with this bad boy. No way ... not happening. Fortunately, I don't have to anymore.

In April of 2007 I went to work at The Cobalt Group, as a Configuration Management Tools Engineer. It was fun at the start. I was there to administer, and upgrade, their Bugzilla installation, and to write tools to maintain the source control server. It was out of QA, which is something at the time I wanted, but ... it just didn't turn out well at all.

First off, it was a 'contract to hire' job. Sounded good at the start - but it became pretty obvious to me REAL quick that the 'to hire' part of it would never happen. They also didn't tell me (and make no mistake, this is partially my fault for not asking) that their Bugzilla installation was a highly customized MESS with pages upon pages of customized code, which was (and probably still is) highly undocumented. This made the upgrade damned near impossible; it became a great big albatross around my neck. Couple that with the almost daily pressure on me - whether real or merely perceived - and I got sick as a dog. Ended up taking all of September off to try and 'recharge'; went back in October and it was no better. Long story short, when the end of the contract came up I had no interest in staying - so as of 1/1/08, I found myself unemployed again.

(I think it's important to note that I had/have absolutely no problem with anyone with whom I worked at Cobalt - nice people - but the situation just became quite toxic for me.)

So ... after taking the month of January and looking for something palatable, and turning down three offers that were, quite frankly, insulting, I went back to Real, to the same team I'd left less than a year before. Different this time, though - I only go in 40-50% of the time (telecommute the rest of the time), and when I do go in I take an accessible taxi, not the bus. When they bumped my rate up a couple of bucks to cover that, it was a no brainer for me. It's kinda like putting on an old, comfortable pair of shoes. This contract is 9 months at a minimum and will more than likely be extended ... so I'll be with Real again for awhile. Good deal!

Life

Life's pretty good. I still have physical problems - but then, everyone who has to live with this giant MS monkey on their back has health issues. Couple that with the fact that I'm now 38 years old and pushing 40 at an alarmingly fast rate, and I consider myself fairly fortunate that I'm not as bad off as I could be. There are an awful lot of people in the world who have things a lot worse than I do; my brain still works, and so do my hands for the most part, so that's all good. The rest of it - the difficult parts - is just stuff I have to deal with. This is my life and the way it's unfolded. I can't change a thing about it; no matter how smart I am supposed to be, I still don't have a cure for that which ails me.

That unpleasantness aside, I do manage to get out of the house every so often when it's not just to roll down to the grocery store, or to go to work. (Not ALL that often though - I'm pretty much a hermit. I just have so much to entertain myself at home; why leave?) In any case, though, my good friend Jeff & I have embarked on the great Aging Rock Stars tour ... we've seen a lot of live shows over the past few years, to wit:

Queen + Paul Rodgers
Paul McCartney
Elton John
Rush (THE best show I have EVER seen!)
Weird Al Yankovic (not really aging per se ... a wonderful show!)
Tenacious D (not aging at all ... hilarious)

... and a couple of shows where we were both not able to be there due to sickness, weather, etc.:

Van Halen
Ozzy Osbourne w/Rob Zombie

Rush are coming back through this area - they'll be the Gorge on 5/31 - and we have tickets. Just hoping we can work everything out and get an accessible van so we can head over there. Regardless, this has been a great series of concerts we've seen - and it makes me drag my ass out of the apartment every once in awhile.

As for the rest of life ... I'm still doing music, but I'm going to post all that in my music blog (see the link on the right side of this page). Still single, and entirely happy about it - I really have no interest in foisting myself on anyone. I'm a hard man to deal with; very set in my ways and stubborn. I've been shit on more times than I care to remember and am, as such, damaged goods with trust issues a mile wide. So there it is. I can at least trust myself, most of the time.

So that'll be it for today. I'd say that I promise to post more often but reader, we both know that may or may not happen. Just gonna continue to go with the flow ... not much else I can do at this point.

HOT.

2006-07-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

It's fucking HOT.

Seriously, it's just ludicrous. In Seattle, it never gets to 95 degrees or higher. This weekend it's been like that both days, thus totally ruining my weekend.

I haven't slept for shit over the past two days, no matter how many fans I place, windows I open, etc., it's still just stupid hot.

It's hotter where my mom & brother are, 100 degrees in Billings and therefore 5 - 10 degrees higher in Hardin ... but neither of them is as screwed up by heat as I am. (Plus, they have air conditioners.) Damn this disease.!

Without this ridiculous monkey living on my back, this wouldn't be such an issue. But DAMN ... ! Turn down the heat!

* it should go without saying that I'd commit murder for an air conditioner at present.

Sometimes, new makes all the difference in the world

2006-05-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

Looking back on the past few months with the crystal clarity of hindsight, it seems pretty obvious (to me anyway) that I've been relatively dissatisfied with life and what it's brought me over the past few years.

It's not that things have been completely horrible, a few twisted events aside (i.e. the death of my father in 2004) - but I've been running through life with a great big fat helping of utter ennui. This has affected every part of my life; not able to enjoy whatever job I had, not being able to do anything real significant musically, not being able to do this and that and the other thing ... it's basically been like I've been rolling on a treadmill, watching the world go by.

Maybe things are changing. I feel pretty good for once. I have a new contract at Real Networks, for 6 months and maybe longer, we'll see - but at least I do not hate it. The only thing I really don't like is the fact that I have to roll this chair up a couple of pretty steep hills between Elliott Ave & 1st Ave in Seattle every day. (When I am doing such I'm convinced that if I turned off my iPod and listened, I'd hear the chair swearing at me and calling me all of the names I've heard, as well as a few new ones no one knows yet) The point is, though, that I like being in that office. While I don't have my own office, it's OK - I can listen to and administer Head Case Radio from within Real, which I've found is hugely important. I mean, when I am not working I'm at home listening to the station anyway, so why not go to work, listen to the station, and kick ass at the work I'm hired to do?

Another new thing is my new (to me) Stick Bass, S/N 1795. This is the coolest thing ... Dual Bass Reciprocal tuning, so I don't have as much high end as I've had before, and that's good because I don't generally play in that register. Emmett Chapman told me before tuning it in this manner that I would have a "mean bass". Once again, Emmett was right. It's a mean bass in every sense, and I love playing it. I think I'll keep doing so. :) I am inspired every time I pick it up, and this gravitates into my bass playing as well, so maybe I can get some of this Chameleon King stuff done and sent off.

I hope so. As always, time will tell.

SSDD

2005-11-03T10:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it's very much an SSDD situation around here. Nothing really outstanding seems to happen anymore, and perhaps that's good.

I'm enjoying my new job at Rosetta Inpharmatics. It's kind of like Safeco in its corporate environment - but what Safeco would be if it were cool. I didn't even have to ask my boss for a laptop to use when I need to telecommute ... how cool is that? The initial contract is 6 months, which could then be extended to a year at that point. I hope that happens. I am tired of being a software vagabond.

Head Case Radio continues to grow, I just competely revamped the web site to not use frames anymore, instead using a nested table based liquid layout. Happy with it so far, but (of course) in a few months I'll end up doing it all over again.

So, overall, life is pretty decent. My body is cooperating as best it can. One thing that's very nice is having dialogue with my oldest sister. We weren't raised together (she's my sister from a different father - we both look just like our mom; in her case it's almost freakish how much she looks like mom) and never really ever spoke to one other more than once or twice until last year. That, coupled with the great relationship I've developed with my brother (from another mother), almost makes up for having grown up an only child.

Not that growing up an only child was bad. I think that, looking at it with the 20/10 vision that hindsight affords, I'd have had a hard time with a sibling. But how am I to know that? I'm an adult now, I have no idea how I'd have reacted as a kid. And I never will unless I perfect the art of time travel. :)

In any case I plan to travel back to Montana over the Xmas holiday to spend time with family. Montana is an interesting place. The small town my mom and brother live in is very quiet, which is nice over 2 or 3 days. Any longer than that, though, and I find myself yearning for the white noise and fast pace of Seattle. I guess I'll be a 'city kid' until the day I die.

I wasn't real happy about turning 36 in late September. Hard for me to get my head around the fact that I'm that old ... still trying, but not doing all that well unless I pull an ostrich act and stick my head in the sand.

And that's about the most exciting stuff going on right now. I shouldn't complain. My family has had enough excitement for several families over the past couple of years. Now it's time to hope for no news ..... no news, after all, is good news.

Joy!

2005-09-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. I start a new long term assignment at Rosetta Inpharmatics on Monday.

I'm excited about this one ... not only do I get to use my software skills, but I get to leverage my background in biochemistry as well. I'll be testing software tools that are used by research scientists in drug discovery. The rate I am getting for this job is pretty insane, too.

Here's hoping that 'long term' means a good long time, and leads to a permanent job. I'm sick and tired of leading the nomadic lifestyle as far as my career is concerned. It's time to find someplace and settle down. Will Rosetta be that for me?

Time will tell. Stay tuned ;-)

Make up your damned mind!

2005-08-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm waiting to find out if my current job contract is going to be extended. It is supposed to end on 9/6/05. I'm getting mixed signals. Getty told me that I'll be extended until 9/16. My contract agency thinks that'll either be longer, or they'll want to hire me as a permanent employee.

I don't know if I want that. It isn't a particularly challenging job, so far. I have an opportunity to interview for a very long term contract (a year or more) at a biosoftware company in Seattle. Now, this is compelling. I've been looking for a job like this; challenging and in the life sciences field, which I studied in college. I am hoping that works out.

As always, though, time will tell. One can encapsulate the whole of life into that statement. Aren't we all, at the end of the day, just waiting for time to pass to see what's going to happen?

Time Flies - part 3 (Music!)

2005-08-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

This post will have to do with music!

There's a lot going on in my musical life. The biggest thing at present is the virtual reunion of Chameleon King! We are recording a bunch of songs that we didn't record on our 1991 album; doing it all separately since Rich (guitarist) now lives in Sedona, AZ, Matt lives north of me here in Seattle, and we're using Mac Hine for a drummer. If you look over on the right, you'll see a link for "My Music Blog". This is a separate blog that I'm keeping while working on this project.

The Combined Geek: we've named our second CD, "Army Of Elvii". I am working on the title track. I think this is going to be a much different CD than last time. No anticipated release date yet. Patience!

My paternal grandfather was an absolutely amazing fiddler over in Montana and environs. He won many, many awards for it - apparently he also played banjo. He passed away in 2000. A couple of months back, my Mom sent me his banjo. I now have this antique tenor banjo that I intend to learn to play, as soon as I get it fixed up, strung, etc. This should be interesting ...

Time Flies - part 2

2005-08-28T12:57:00.000-07:00

OK, now to the (for the most part) more pleasant stuff; music stuff, personal stuff ... you know, for a cripple, my life is pretty full. :)

Let's start with the huge project that's in my life right now. The last time I posted an entry to this diary, we were still running Llama Lounge Radio, which I'd had going since May of 2001, and Idiot Radio. That all started to change in August of 2004. My friend Tony had been DJing for a station called Alliance Radio - part of the World Metal Alliance. I listened one day I thought, hey, I could do that, sounds like fun - so I joined Alliance Radio.

Immediately there were problems with the station that I tried very hard to enact fixes for. They had no central auto-broadcast server, so I set that up. They had no requests system or anything of that sort, so I worked on figuring that out. Their web site was basically very poorly designed and was hard to get around. Tony and I started working on that - we wanted to get a site done and then surprise the station owner with it.

We were about 80% done - I'd created the buttons, had figured out the requests system, and basically had a working site. The station owner saw it - when he was drunk, I think - and went apeshit. He changed all the passwords and put up a page accusing Tony and I of trying to 'usurp' his station. Nothing could have been further from the truth - we were just trying to improve it. Neither of us wanted control over it. We just wanted it to be better.

I've dealt with people like that before, and when Tony quit, I went right along with him.

On September 13, 2004, our new station was born! Head Case Radio has been on the air for almost a year now - it's certainly a lot different than when we first started it! We have more live DJs now, more tracks, have released a compilation CD for charity, have interviewed live on the air 18 different bands ... and we're just getting started!

Working on the Head Case Radio site has really been good for me. It forced me to learn some PHP to get all of the behind-the-scenes stuff running smoothly. This is one of the most fun things I've ever done, and I hope to continue doing it. If I didn't have zero desire to be broke I'd consider changing careers to broadcasting. Might be hard since I have a face made for radio. :)

Click the Radio button in the bottom frame of the site to check out Head Case Radio!

Aside from that: on a personal note, it's been a tough year. I am still trying to come to grips with my Dad's passing. So many things left unsaid, undone ... but I guess it's all water under the bridge now, eh? I'll get through it. It just takes time.

One other thing I'll say before ending this post: the HBO show Six Feet Under has just ended its 5-year run. In my almost 36 years on the planet, I cannot recall any other show that affected me as profoundly - captured my imagination - caused me to think - more than Six Feet Under. When the final episode was shown, I couldn't help but tear up - especially with the absolutely BRILLIANT last 15 minutes of the final episode. Very, very nice. Even though it went out at the right time, I'll still miss it.

Next entry: MUSIC!

Closure

2004-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

OK, so I went to the memorial service for my Dad on June 18th. Quite simply, this was the hardest thing I've ever done, gone through, whatever. But, it turned out to be 100% necessary for me, and for the rest of my family, I think.

It was a nice service. My Dad's cremains were in front of the church, in a gold box directly underneath a picture of him, surrounded by some nice looking flower arrangements with red ribbons saying "Grandpa" and "Dad" and "Husband" in gold lettering. I couldn't stop staring at the gold box ... thinking "Damn ... my Dad is in that box."

I thought maybe I could keep it together for at least a little while ... not happening. The service started out with music, the song "In The Garden". I broke down about halfway through. My Mom reached up and grabbed my hand ... that was very good, I needed that. She held on throughout the rest of the service.

My Mom picked a minister whom I think my Dad would have liked very much. Patang is an Indian gentleman (from the Asian country, not American Indian) who stands about 5' 3", maybe ... and in any venue where he may be speaking, a PA system would NOT be required. He has a booming voice that you wouldn't expect to come out of someone of that stature. He's funny, too, and made the service very inspirational - good for all of us in the family sitting in the front row. (You see funerals portrayed on TV and in film, and you see the family sitting there all in a row, but you never imagine yourself sitting in that row. An experience that I'd just as soon not repeat anytime soon.)

After the service, we went up to the cemetery in Hardin for the inurnment. This was done with full military honors as my Dad was a veteran of the Korean War; having been a radar operator on the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Shangri-La (which has since been scrapped). The 21-gun salute was nice, but almost felt at times like I was the one being shot.

Patang said a few words; then the inurnment service was over. Folks filtered away from the site until my Mom, my brother Jim, and I were the only ones left. My Mom stood there for awhile with her hand on the gold box ... I think, at that moment, I got an extreme lesson in what love actually is. Eventually, she walked away leaving Jim and I. As I mentioned before, I couldn't take my eyes off the box. Had there been lasers in my eyes, there would have been holes burned through it. We stayed there for a bit ... I had managed to maintain through the inurnment service to that point. I said, "Goodbye, Dad", turned the chair, and rolled away, my brother by my side.

And that's when the tears started to flow.

Overall, though, it was good. Good to be there with family, and good to gain whatever closure I could get by saying goodbye to my Dad's ashes. His headstone wasn't done, so I'm going back to MT in early September to see it. Probably, I'll go back again at Xmas time. Now that I know the flight isn't a complete nightmare, and they take pretty good care of my chair, I don't have to worry so much about it anymore.

My Dad's passing has re-energized me about a lot of things. I am putting together a new live band, and working on setting up a benefit concert with Alliance Radio here in Seattle, to raise money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society and the Myelin Project. I'm not done playing live yet; I need to get on stage at least one last time. Right now, I have all the pieces assembled, except for a guitarist. Hopefully I can find one without too many ... issues ... because I've got no time for anyone like that. Been there, done that. We'll see what happens.

I'd be remiss if I didn't thank publicly Kevin Duecker from LIFTT in Billings. Both times I went back there, he loaned us an accessible van, with a lift, for absolutely NO CHARGE. He didn't even want us to fill the gas tank before bringing it back (we did, of course). Without LIFTT, I would have never been able to go to my Dad's service, to spend time in Hardin, or even to do very much at all in Billings. Thanks, Kevin!

Day for night
I can't wait 'til the time is right
Like a gun waits for war
Like the sun waiting for a light

Pound away
Get it done in just half a day
'Neath the sweltering sky
Get it done, don't ask why

Don't you want to live my way?
Living day for night
Don't you want to live my way?
Why you want to keep trying?
You never get it right
When you could be
Living day for night

Live my dream
There's no dancing in between
Why not let it go?
There's no sense being so extreme
Act instead
There's no life living in your head
The director's long gone
Still the play goes on
And on and on . . . come on!

Your dreams were disappearing
So you disappeared
Into your head
There's no freshness
In your feelings
So you feel like
Going back to bed
As the mercury rises
There are still some surprises

Day for night
There's no time
There's no end in sight
Not a moment to lose
There's no voice
You can't choose

You can never be ready for it

2004-06-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

Elvin J. Wedel 1934 - 2004

My father, Elvin J. "Joe" Wedel, died on May 22, 2004, at sunset in Billings, MT. My mom told me that when she was on the way to the hospice (they had called her and told her that she should probably come back), she saw the sun going down and just knew that it was going to be THAT time.

This wasn't unexpected. Those of you who actually read this garbage know that he'd been sick for quite some time; so you might think I was ready for this, right? WRONG. There's no way that anyone, anything, at all, can prepare you for the moment you know that your father is gone, forever. When my mom called and told me, it felt like I'd been placed in front of a cannon at point blank range, right before the cannon went off. I've never felt anything like that before. Excruciating. Not even being told I have a chronic, incurable disease even comes close.

He died with everyone around him - my mom, my brother, his wife, and my niece - so he wasn't alone, and he wasn't suffering at all. Morphine will do that for you. He just slipped away.

I went out to Billings over Memorial Day weekend - one week after Dad died. This had been planned for months... and I have to admit that I was, for half a second, really pissed at my dad for not having had the common courtesy to wait for me to be able to say goodbye ... but that didn't last. In the grand scheme of things, it's likely good for my mental well-being that I didn't see him the way he was at the end. Dad had cancer, of just about everything, I think. He smoked 2 packs of Camel straights a day for 55 years. This is what that gets you. He'd had surgery to try and remove a tumor that was growing on the left side of his neck. They weren't able to get all of it out, so they went to aggressive chemotherapy. My mom and I both think now that all the chemo did was piss the cancer off, because it kept growing.

And growing.

It got to the point where Dad wasn't able to eat normally anymore because his throat had swollen so much, so he had a feeding tube put in. I remember the last time I talked to him; he said to me "all I really want is a T-bone steak". Dad, I'd have done absolutely anything so that you could have had that, I know you loved them...

About 4-5 days before he died, the hospice removed the feeding tube. (Dad had signed a DNR long ago, didn't want any machines) It was just providing fluids that he didn't need. To me, that was the signal that it wouldn't be much longer. And it wasn't.

I wish I had gotten the chance to say goodbye ... to see him one last time ... but I think he knew that a) I was really trying and b) I loved him, so I'll manage to have peace with it eventually. Right now, it's just a big weight on my heart, and it hurts, to be honest. I'll get over it, in time.

I had gotten a star named for my dad a few weeks before he died... it's somewhere in the Virgo constellation (he was a Virgo), but I never got a chance to see the star chart to find out exactly where it is. My niece told me that shortly after my dad died, she looked in the sky and saw a single star, I'd like to think that was my dad's way of winking at everyone and saying goodbye.

It was his choice to be cremated, so a funeral wasn't necessary right away. To maximize the number of family that can be there, my mom scheduled it for 6/18. I am definitely going back. If I couldn't be there when he died, the least I can do is be there when he's laid to rest. He's being inurned in Hardin somewhere; I guess I'll find out when I get there.

I'll make another entry here after I get back from the memorial ... I was intending to write more but this is just a bit draining, so I'll sign off...

Goodbye, Dad. I already miss you terribly. I love you.

Father can you hear me?
How have I let you down?
I curse the day that I was born...
And all the sorrow in this world...

Let me take you to the hurting ground
Where all good men are trampled down
Just to settle a bet that could not be won
Between a prideful father and his son
Will you guide me now, for I can't see
A reason for the suffering and this long misery
What if every living soul could be upright and strong
Well, then I do imagine...

There will be Sorrow
Yeah there will be Sorrow
And there will be Sorrow, no more

When all soldiers lay their weapons down
Or when all kings and all queens relinquish their crowns
Or when the only true Messiah rescues us from ourselves
It's easy to imagine...

There will be Sorrow
Yeah there will be Sorrow
And there will be Sorrow, no more

There will be Sorrow
Yeah there will be Sorrow
And there will be Sorrow, no more

There will be Sorrow
Yeah there will be Sorrow
And there will be Sorrow, no more

Change is good. M'kay?

2004-03-14T11:11:00.000-08:00

I've heard it said more times than I can remember: "If you don't like your life, change it!" Over the past 3 months (since the beginning of the year), I've taken this adage to heart, and have changed pretty much everything in my life.

Those (few, if any) of you who read this page on the infrequent times that I update it will recall me having a job contracting at a major insurance company here in Seattle. (Now that I no longer work there, I'll reveal the name: Safeco Insurance Company) I got to the point where I just couldn't stand it anymore. Initially, I had wanted for reasons of professionalism to stick it out through the end of the project that I was working on, but ... I just couldn't. I felt my technical skills slipping - someone asked me how to construct a very simple SQL query (an inner join), and I could not remember how to do so. I had to look it up. You know you hate your job when you telecommute and you don't want to go into work! Obviously, this was quite distressing to me, so I kicked my job search into high gear.

On February 19, I started as Sr. Test Engineer for Interact Networks, located in the lower Queen Anne area of Seattle. Complete culture change! I am employee #18 in the company. Obviously, it's a startup, which is where I wanted to be all along. After hearing from Safeco that Linux is a "hacker operating system", I now work in Linux every day, doing the things that I am qualified to do, and going into work every day. I got sick of telecommuting. It can be a great thing, and I can still do it occasionally at Interact, but doing it all the time just isn't for me. It got to the point where my office/studio became a work room; doing things in there that I enjoy doing (i.e. writing music, playing games, etc. etc.) became things that just didn't happen in there because the work part of it had completely swallowed up the fun part. I knew I had to change that. So I did!

But that's not all of the changes - lower Queen Anne, from Kirkland, is (at best) a 90 minute bus trip on 2 or 3 buses, each way. One day, I had a seminar at which I had to be at Interact at 6 pm (I telecommuted that day). I left my place in Kirkland at 2 pm, thinking that would give me plenty of time. WRONG. Due to no less than 3 bus failures (either the wheelchair lift or the bus entirely), it took me *3 1/2 hours* to get to Seattle. Fortunately, the commute home was the normal 90 minutes, but damn .... 5 hours total bus commute for one day? YIKES! Fortunately, that didn't happen again.

Because I a) had no interest in spending 3 hours on the bus every day, b) I was getting sick and tired of my neighbors who seemed to want to disregard every rule the apartment complex had set down in the terms of leases, and c) I was sick and tired of living on the east side of Seattle, having lived there for 11 years (with a short, miserable 5 month break in early 1995 when I lived in Seattle - but no need to go there), I moved. I found an awesome, HUGE (~ 1200 square feet!) apartment in the Greenwood area, for not much more rent than I was paying in Kirkland. In particular, the master bedroom is so huge in this place that I was able to set up my entire office - all 8 computers - AND my project studio - in here such that there's enough room for me to get my chair around all of it, to run new cabling, fix stuff, add new gear, etc. It's been very frustrating having to bug someone to help me set up a new piece of gear if I got it or to fix things that break that have to be fixed behind the computers. I'm a lot more independent here, which is something that is VERY important to me. I don't like to ask anyone for help if I don't have to ... this probably comes from being raised an only child and basically having to fend for myself for the most part while growing up.

I prefer Seattle *SO* much over the east side that it's not even funny. I am allergic to soccer moms in their minivans, driving around with their cell phones seemingly glued to their ears while they pay attention to everything else EXCEPT driving. When I am in downtown Seattle, I don't feel so self-conscious - there are people in downtown who are bigger freaks than I; a fat guy in a power wheelchair just isn't that big a deal. There's so much more to do in Seattle, so much easier to get around ... and my bus commute to work is 35 minutes both ways. Lots of options there too; the first bus leaves the stop 3 blocks from my house every 15 minutes during the week. Coming home is a similar situation. I have several different routes from which to choose. And, I live 3 blocks from a Taco Del Mar. Even better: my workplace is a block away from a Dick's Drive-In. There are no Dick's Drive-Ins on the east side. I swear, they have got the best fast food burgers ever. Sometimes when I eat them I feel sorry for people who don't live in the Seattle area and thus can't have these burgers. Yes, they're that good :) I have to really watch myself now - I can't eat them every day. I've been on something of a diet since January 1st - I just stopped ordering food out and cooking for myself. Haven't ordered a pizza (except for 2 occasions when friends were visiting, I didn't eat any of it) since 1/1, so that new year's resolution is holding out. I'm losing weight, but slowly. I can see it in my face. It's said that every long journey starts with a small step. I hope I can stay on this one. It's hard sometimes, especially when you have the massive sweet tooth that I have.

Other stuff .... isn't quite going as well. My dad is dying and I am NOT prepared for that. He's got cancer (this is what happens when you smoke Camel straights 2-3 packs a day for 55 years). It first sprung up back in 2000 when I was in the hospital, as a small growth on the back of his throat. Radiation was able to get rid of that one, and he was cancer-free (we thought) for over 3 years. Then, it came back in spades, underneath his left ear. He had surgery to remove it, but the doctors were unfortunately not able to remove it all, since it had advanced beyond the base of his skull, and into his lungs. The oncologist thinks it's been a 'morning glory' tumor where the tumor grows inside and only becomes visible when it pops up; could possibly have started as early as 1997. He's now in chemotherapy. It's going to be hell for him, this I know. I really hope that it gives him some good quality of life for awhile longer. This is for purely selfish reasons, because as I mentioned earlier I am not ready for my dad to go. I'm going to go back to Montana within a month or two to see him for what will almost certainly be the last time. Think that's going to be an emotional rollercoaster?

About time to wrap up here. I have to thank my friends Mike, Charlein, Kathy, and Jeff for helping me move a couple of weeks ago. Truly, I could not have done it without you and I could never adequately articulate how much I appreciated your help! And a big no thanks to Starving Students - I would recommend NOT using them for a move. They were fine for the first part of the move (the packing of boxes and moving them into the truck), even if they (stupidly) didn't bring enough tape. It was the second part of it - it took them 4 hours to unload the truck. It took them less time to pack stuff and put it in the truck than it did for them to unload it. As the final insult, they added 45 minutes onto the end of the move for their time to get the truck back to their base, which is in Bellevue. I have lived in the Seattle area for MANY years. It does NOT take 45 minutes to get from Greenwood in Seattle to Bellevue - especially at 8:30 pm on a weekend night! So, $900 that I could have better spent on a decent company. I used Hansen Bros. for my last 2 moves, and I believe I'll be using them again when I move from here.

So that's it for now. I'm working (off and on) on a re-design for this site, at which point this online diary will become a blog. Stay tuned! :)

Proud swagger out of the schoolyard
Waiting for the world’s applause
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause

Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains

And now you’re trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Can’t face life on a razor’s edge
Nothing’s what you thought it would be

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars
Turn around and turn around and turn around
Turn around and walk the razor’s edge
Don’t turn your back
And slam the door on me

It’s not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
It’s not as if you’re all alone
In wanting to explode

Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight

And now you’re trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razor’s edge
Nothing’s what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?

Out of the depths

2003-06-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

In reading my last entry here, I'm taken back to what was a very dark couple of months inside my head. To quote Lewis Black, inside my head "the left side looked at the right side and said, 'It's dark in here - and we may die'".

Fortunately, that didn't happen. The issues I was dealing with at that point have for the most part gone away; some fabricated by my own mind, some of them real. Which isn't important; only that they are now (thankfully) behind me.

Don't get me wrong, there are still things in my life that are unpleasant. During the last few weeks I've been trying to look at the myriad of things in my life that are positive, and not to obsess over the negative too much. This is easier said than done, sometimes. But I'm nowhere near mental collapse (I probably wasn't back in March, either, but it sure felt like it), life moves on and good things happen.

I am very happy to say that the new CD from The Combined Geek is finished! I burned the final master in early June; we are now waiting for labels to be done. At that point, they'll be available for sale off the Combined Geek site. 16 songs; 79 minutes and 50 seconds of music. Not bad!

I think it's very important to note that we are taking NO profit from the sales of the Combined Geek CD, or any of the assorted merchandise that's now available at the Combined Geek store. We are donating all proceeds to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society and the Myelin Project.

I've decided to remove the History link from the Plastic Joe page. Plastic Joe was finished 4 1/2 years ago. There's really no reason anymore to dredge up the past. What's done is done, and I would prefer going forward to remember the music that we made, and the good times that we had in Plastic Joe when things were going well. This is in no way meant to say that I don't still completely stand behind what was in that page as the absolute truth. I just don't think it needs to be public anymore. Besides, what I am doing musically now is in many ways more satisfying to me than Plastic Joe ever was.

I still have the same job, contracting at the same insurance company. I've been there for over a year now. Make no mistake, I still really dislike it. My agency, though, did give me a pretty substantial rate bump, though, so it becomes a bit more palatable when the checks are deposited every couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to my next position, though. I hope it'll be a little more along the lines of what I am qualified to do, and not using 40 year old technology. I hope that it's at a much smaller site where I won't have to deal with excessive corporate bloat, inefficiency, and micro-management. Still - I'm a professional. No matter how I feel about it (and when I actually have work to do, I do enjoy it - but that's rare), I'll finish out the project. (And I look at it this way, too: I'd rather work at an insurance company than a bank, anytime. Insurance companies are definitely stuffy but they don't hold a candle in that regard to banks!)

Since October 20th of last year I've been involved in a group processing work units for SETI@Home. It's a lot of fun and has inspired me to build up a pretty impressive set of computers to process this stuff - in my master bedroom, I've got 7 computers, and I have a laptop in the living room giving me a total of 8. Of these 8 computers, 6 are processing SETI@Home data 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The two that aren't are running radio streams. Our group is called Space Geeks, Inc. - check us out!

Speaking of radio stations, Llama Lounge Radio is still going strong. When I changed DSL providers, I was able to restart Idiot Radio, as well. You can get to Idiot Radio from the Idiotsite, the best Whose Line Is It Anyway? site on the internet.

I think that's all for now. Try and keep cool; seems like it's going to be a hot summer!

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing your life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best,
And.....
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistling]
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistling]
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...
Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistling]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistling]
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]

The Downward Spiral

2003-03-31T11:10:00.000-08:00

I am NOT happy with the state of the world right now.

Normally, I'm a pretty happy person. In the past, things have tended to roll off me, almost as if I were covered in Teflon. I've always been able to process everything that came into my life, be it good or bad, and haven't really been too much worse for the wear. I've always had a self-repairing psyche. Right now, though ... too much shit going on, all at once, and I am not ashamed to admit that I am having a very difficult time coping with it all. I think I'm probably as close to having a complete nervous breakdown as I've ever been.

Here's a 'stream of consciousness' list, in no particular order and without any specifics, of the things in my life that are sending me toward the deep end, and that right quick:

WAR; DEATH; MS; terrible, unchallenging job; deception; being blatantly used; terrible, insulting, laughable attempts at concealment; imminent collapse of support system; deterioration of physical condition; necessity of swallowing deep emotion; constant reminders of physical limitations; the likelihood of perpetual solitude; constant physical pain; constant struggles with normal everyday function; feeling like furniture in my own home ... blah blah. I could go on, but I won't.

There are situations going on now where everyone seems to be of the opinion that I care - when, in actuality, I couldn't give less of a FUCK. I have no interest - not now, not EVER, in going any further with it than it currently is. Period, point blank. Once this point can be gotten across and grokked in fullness, things will improve immensely. If this can be realized, and the bullshit surrounding it can be excised, everyone involved will feel a hell of a lot better.

I have to assume (which is admittedly a highly dangerous activity in and of itself) that if you're reading this, you give at least a small shit about what happens to me, so I'll say this: no matter how bad it gets, I am certainly not going to try and self-terminate. I'm not going to lower myself into a vat of molten steel or do anything else to hurt myself. That's the pussy way out. I know very well that eventually things will be better, but right now ... that side of the river seems to be a LONG way away, and across the vast plains of Mordor.

Maybe if our President stops running this country into the ground, that'll help. How many of you can say that you're better off and/or happier than you were in the late 1990's? I sure as fuck can't. Say what you want about ex-President Clinton, but while he was President, this country went through the largest period of growth that it's ever seen. Personally, I couldn't care less what he did with his dick!

I absolutely have to get out of my current job. It's nowhere near challenging - mega-boring, actually. It certainly does not inspire me to put forth my best effort, especially with everything else that's going on in my life. Unfortunately, the job market right now basically sucks (and yes, I know I should be happy just to have a job); finding a new job even to interview for is like finding that proverbial haystack needle.

If things don't improve around here by early next year (when my lease is up), I am going to look everywhere for a new job. It's starting to look more and more like there's fuck-all of any reason to stay here in Seattle. Seattle is and always will be my home, but it might be time to get the fuck outta Dodge. Time will tell.

I think I'll stop now ... and yes, I'd love some cheese. My favorite is muenster, thanks.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Pete Figueroa (1967 - 2003) R.I.P.

2003-03-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

Every so often, something happens that's a painful reminder that I'm getting older.

Last night, my mom called me to tell me that one of my best friends from high school, Pete Figueroa, had died on March 13 in Reston, VA at the age of 35.

I first met Pete in high school at a basketball game. I'd just started playing bass and was playing for my high school pep band. At halftime of the game, I was leaving the gym, heading out to my locker to pick up something or other (I don't remember what). Pete was in the doorway and accosted me, wanting to know if I was interested in playing bass in a rock band.

Everyone knew who Pete was. During high school Pete had many medical problems, most of them brought on (I suspect) by the fact that he was morbidly obese, even at that age. Many people didn't want to deal with Pete; preferring instead to stand back and ridicule from afar. Well, I've never been that way, so I said "hell yeah", and thus began a strong friendship that lasted through high school.

It was with Pete that I had my first ever performance playing bass on stage. It was with Pete that I wrote my first rock song. It was with Pete that I learned never to judge a book by its cover - see, Pete was an incredibly smart guy. He was one of the nicest people I knew in high school. He was also an amazingly gifted guitarist - completely blew me away when I first heard him. I was lucky that he had enough patience to put up with me as a very beginning bass player.

With Pete, and our friends Brett (who's known Pete far longer than I) and Leif, we had a band called "In Trance", named after the Scorpions song. One year, we played at the high school talent show. (We lost - one of the judges' comments was "Wow ... that's loud") But we'd played our own original song called "Under Fire", doing all the trademark mid-80s guitar machine gun movements, etc. There's even a picture of me singing lead at that show in my sophomore HS yearbook ...

Pete and I went on to write other songs. He'd spend the night at my place and we'd be up all night, playing and writing songs quietly downstairs so as not to wake up my parents. The only one I remember at all from that time is one called "Dreamworld" ... and I only remember bits and pieces of it; a few of the lyrics and one of the riffs. The lyrics at first talked of a world of shapes, spheres, and cubes - the only line I remember verbatim is that of the chorus:

"You never know what will take place - in the dreamworld"

The last time I heard from Pete (we had kept in contact throughout the years after high school, on and off) was around a year or two ago. He'd lost a LOT of weight, was getting married, and was moving to Virginia. It was such a happy and positive email that I didn't always get from Pete, and it made me very happy to read.

Well, Pete ... you've now gone to that dreamworld place we thought of oh so many years ago. I hope your journey was painless and that you are in a better place. I'll miss you - and I'll never forget you and the effect you had on me and my life. THANKS, PETE!

My, how time flies ...

2002-12-28T11:08:00.000-08:00

It's been over a year since I posted anything up here. I'm not exactly sure why that is... in any case, here's what's been happening for the last year.

Fortunately, I have been working the entire year. With the economy being in the state it's in, I feel fortunate to have maintained my employment, especially after going through almost all of 2001 unemployed. I was with NetUPDATE up until May 31, when I was part of my third layoff in 2 years. Naturally I was a bit worried when this happened - but I was lucky that I was able to call The Netisen Group, who got me a phone interview within 4 hours of being laid off, a face-to-face interview the following Monday, and finally placed me at my current position, which is as a QA Analyst at a major insurance company here in Seattle. I've been there ever since. My contract was recently extended until early 2004, so at least I know I'm going to remain employed (I hope!) until then. I must be doing something right, although I can't say that the work is particularly challenging. I had hoped to never deal with COBOL again. Now I see it every day.

At least it's a job. I really want to get back into software in the future, though. It's where I belong, where I fit in. (Me + insurance industry = square peg, round hole) Enough of that ...

Musically, things are going great! I've recorded 2 new solo works, that can be heard on the music page. More are certainly to come - I have several that are almost done. I am branching out into styles of music I've not done before. By the end of the year, I should have a full length CD ready. We've also revived the Douchebag Aftermath project. We'll have a new song soon, too! :)

I've overcome some obstacles this year. I've continued to use public transportation this year (which has been awesome), but I had an irrational fear of travelling over Lake Washington into Seattle on the bus. I can't really remember why now. My current job assignment has me going into Seattle every day; it's old hat now. I don't really know what I was so afraid of. Live and learn!

Back in August I went to my first Mariners game at Safeco Field. What an amazing ballpark! Makes the Kingdome look like going to a game inside an elephant's ass. We had great seats - at the very top of the first level, right in front of a beer stand! We could see absolutely everything. The Mariners lost to the fucking Yankees that day, but it was almost secondary. I'll be going to many more games next year!

In September I went to the Rush concert at the Gorge in George, WA. Rush is (and always will be) in my top 3 favorite bands ... this show was nothing short of phenomenal. I've seen them live 8 times - this was the best show I've ever seen them do. I'm very glad that I got to see them, because I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance again. They're getting old, and I just don't know if they'll continue after this tour ends. It'll be sad when they hang it up!

I'm really looking forward to this new show on Fox called "Joe Millionaire". Now, I HATE reality TV - but the premise here is too good to miss. I'm going to love it when they tell the gold-digging, superficial little bitch that Joe chooses that he's not REALLY worth $50 million - can't wait to see the look on her face. Please don't misconstrue this; I am in no way misogynistic. I can't stand people who are phony and/or fake, though. Joe Millionaire is going to have 20 of them to deal with. Should be fun to watch!

Overall, 2002 has been a MUCH better year - for me - than 2001 was. I'm not real happy with the state of the world right now; all this talk of war, war, war, war ... I don't want war, but I also am not naive enough not to understand that it may well be a necessity. I'd rather have war than have Saddam Hussein and/or North Korea with nuclear weapons. Folks, these people HATE us. We have to protect our country! We also, unfortunately, seem to have an administration in office right now which is more concerned about war than they are about fixing the problems we're having here at home. W had better get something done and get this economy moving again, or he's going to suffer the same fate that his father did. George Bush Sr. had a 91% approval rating at the end of the Gulf War. In 1992, he lost his re-election bid. Someone needs to tell W the same thing his father was told: IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID!

The Llama Lounge Radio station is going very well! I recently changed from a cable modem to a DSL. I now get 1.5M download, and 512K upload. The additional upload bandwidth allowed us to set up a low bandwidth stream to accompany the high speed stream - so modem users, now you too can listen to the best radio station in the world! :)

Well, that's all for now. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope to be posting more here in the coming year. I certainly won't wait another year before the next one!

2001 Post Mortem

2001-12-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

(OK, I know the year is not yet over. But close enough.)

Hard to believe that 2001 is almost over. To be honest, though, I'm damned glad to see it go. This has not been a very good year for me. When I sit and look back on it, I can't believe that I've managed to come through it with some semblance of sanity still left over. Let's take a look at 2001...

It all started off well enough, I was just out of the hospital and was taking some time off, to get myself acclimated to "real life" again. Then, the wheels started to come off ... late January, Darrick committed suicide. It's been damned near a year now ... for the most part, I've come to grips with it, but it still gets to me sometimes. Dude was only 25 years old ... what a waste. I hope that he's found whatever peace or release he was looking for. I still think he's a fucking coward for taking the easy way out.

Fast forward to April, when I went back to work at Crossgain - for 3 1/2 weeks, then got laid off. For the first time in my life, I was drawing unemployment. While it covered the bills, that was about all. Drew unemployment for awhile, then got a job on contract with Netisen - for 12 days. And that was all she wrote, for a long damned time. I spent the next 5 -almost 6! months on unemployment. It was about to run out when I got my current job.

It must have been sometime in June or July when my grandmother - my only surviving grandparent - fell and broke her pelvis in 2 places. I was worried, worried, WORRIED about her for a long time (and still am to some extent) ... how she can still be alive after that coupled with emphysema and congestive heart failure is beyond me. I only hope that I have half that much strength if I'm ever tested in that way.

Late August, my father was diagnosed with throat cancer. This hit me harder, in retrospect, than I was even aware at the time. I've spent 32 years of my life with neither of my folks having any major health problems ... well, let's just throw THAT streak the hell out the door! Fortunately, though, my dad is a very, VERY tough man. His cancer was a surface cancer that had not spread into any other organs, and as of now, radiation and chemo have obliterated the tumor! The absolute BEST thing that came out of this was that my dad, after smoking Camel straights for 50+ years, QUIT SMOKING. Yay!!

It should go without saying that September 11 was just totally FUCKED UP. This is one of those things that we will all remember 40 years from now, similar to what people who were alive on November 22, 1963 experienced. (If you don't know what happened on that day ... look it up, for fuck's sake!) I was lying in bed, having just woken up. I turned on the channel 13 news, just like I do every morning at 6:00 am or so, to the image of the World Trade Center after the first plane had crashed into it. I watched in utter disbelief LIVE as the second plane hit. After the towers both fell to the ground, I came to a cold, somber realization: NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. And it isn't.

Now, it appears that the King of all Motherfuckers, Osama bin Laden, is surrounded by a combination of Afghani soldiers and U.S. Special Forces. I can't wait for the day that I look at ABCnews.com and see that that sonofabitch has been captured. There's a special place waiting in Hell for bin Laden. Personally, I hope it involves getting rectally violated by Satan himself for all eternity. A thousand deaths are too good for bin Laden! (a tip of the cap to Frank Herbert here)

Things look up now, though. I am really enjoying my new job at NetUPDATE. Cool place to work, good people, good product. I'm hoping to stay there for awhile.

Another good thing that has happened this year was me starting to use normal public transportation instead of the totally bad joke that IS the Seattle Metro paratransit system. Riding the normal bus is real easy for me (I live very close to a Park & Ride and a freeway bus stop); I can go anywhere I damned well please without having to wonder if I'm going to have a ride or not. I don't have to waste time scheduling rides that I may or may not get. In short, it's made my life 1000 times better.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that I'd have never gotten through this year without my friends... it's said that no man is an island and shit, I'm not even an archipelago! So ... to all of my friends who have had my back throughout the last year - thanks, I love you all - don't go changin' to try and please me! :)

You'll notice some changes around here in the coming weeks. I am starting to learn things about web design that I did not know before (i.e. style sheets - like the new scrollbars?). Stay tuned as I continue to refine and improve my web development skills!

Finally!

2001-12-10T11:07:00.000-08:00

Wow! Can't believe that 5 months has gone by since I decided to post anything up here. This likely has to do with the fact that the last 5 months have been, well ... uneventful. It's been good, though, for the most part. I've played a LOT of Diablo II ... and I do mean a LOT. :)

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I finally found a job with The Netisen Group (again), as a Senior Software Test Engineer for NetUPDATE. I started on December 3rd. So far so good, if you don't count the fact that one of the tires on my stupid chair decided it was time to go flat. Wouldn't you know that it'd happen at around 6 p.m. on a Friday night, when there was no chance in hell that I'd be able to get someone out here to fix it before Monday? (sigh) One new tube later, the tire is fixed.

I was very, very disappointed with the Mariners' playoff run. I really thought that this was going to be our year, but alas, it was not to be. I did, however, enjoy the hell out of watching the fucking Yankees (I can't discuss the Yankees without adding the word "fucking" in front of them; I HATE them!!) get their asses kicked by the Diamondbacks.

Things go well on the radio front. Both stations are doing well - Llama Lounge Radio is now over 500 songs, and IDIOT Radio is consistently gaining listenership. To get at IDIOT Radio (a Whose Line Is It Anyway? clip stream), just connect to the Idiotsite, which is absolutely the best Whose Line? site on the web. I had a choice of a lot of sites to which I could attach my radio station - the Idiotsite was the obvious choice! Go there, check it out. If you're a fan of Whose Line? at all you'll have a great time there - and you might even catch me playing an improv game or two in the chat room! (My 'nym there is Rev. W.)

Not too much more to say here, really - life is good! I have a job (and believe me when I tell you that I know how fortunate I am to have it), my health is good, I'm still able to thump on my basses pretty well ... no problems right now, really.

All that's left to say is: HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!! Please drive carefully, don't drink and drive, and have fun!

Some good, some bad ...

2001-07-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

Yet another month has gone by. I can't believe how fast time is starting to go. My mom once told me that the older you get, the faster time seems to run. I probably looked at her like she was crazy at the time, but (like a lot of things my parents told me when I was younger) it's starting to turn out that she was right all along. The older I get, the more I realize the less I know, and the more I realize how smart my parents are. 15 years ago, you'd have not been able to coerce that statement out of me with chinese water torture. Today, I accept it as an axiom!

My job situation continues to SUCK. The opportunity with Netisen was great and it seemed everything was going well for the first few days, then we got wind that the client company was having some problems in that the proper people weren't consulted before authorizing the expenditure to contract our team. Couple this with the fact that they weren't exactly sure that they were going to go ahead with the new version of their product (which we were contracted to test), and you can maybe see the handwriting on the wall. We worked for 12 days putting together a project plan for them, which was a Herculean task in itself due to the woeful (and almost comical at times) lack of documentation and solid information about just exactly WHAT we were supposed to test!

On that last day, which was a Wednesday, I handed our project plan over to the staff at the client company (I was acting as project lead since the actual lead was off on an anniversary trip with his wife up to Alaska, cruising the Inside Passage where I used to live), who told me that it looked really good - especially given what we had to work with - but it wasn't up to them, it was up to the board of directors. We all went home and hoped that we'd be called back to actually do the work we'd planned out.

This was 3 weeks ago. It's pretty obvious to me that they've shelved the project because we haven't heard word one from them. So, it's back on the job market and back to getting unemployment checks. Fortunately the checks cover my rent and major bills, so I'm not having to dip into my savings and investments. This is a good thing. I do NOT want to use those if I don't have to! I'm able to get health insurance through Netisen, still, so no problems there.

I think it's important to note that I place NO blame whatsoever on the Netisen Group. They've been great to me throughout. It's the client company with whom I have the problem. I'm not mentioning them by name here because I don't have anything positive to say about them. Thus, they remain anonymous, at least on this page. :)

Other than that, things are OK around here. It's a great time to live in Seattle right now if you're a sports fan, particularly baseball! (Personally, I think it's ALWAYS a good time to live in Seattle) Watching the Mariners this year has been the most amazing thing I've been through as a sports fan. I lived in Portland, OR during 1976-77 when the Trailblazers won the NBA championship, and in Seattle during 1979-80 when the Sonics won, but neither of these events compares to what's going on here in Seattle with the Mariners.

It's so much fun to watch the Mariners this year. I'm somewhat of a baseball purist in that I don't enjoy teams who do nothing but try to win by hitting home runs (the Earl Weaver-managed Orioles drove me nuts, I couldn't watch them). This year's Mariners are different. These guys are doing the little things that a team needs to do to win. Little things like hustling down to first base on every ground ball (I actually watched a game where, by Bret Boone hustling and beating out a ground ball for a hit and then scoring a run, they won the game) really bring a smile to my face.

I think this is the year for the Mariners to win a World Series. Now, before you go and start ordering longjohns for the devil, consider my theory. Here's a list of all the heinous, nasty shit that has happened here in Seattle over the past couple of years:

WTO riots
Riots on the anniversary of WTO
Mardi Gras riots
Job market 'crash' (a really bad thing given all the high tech companies around here)
Drought conditions causing power rates to skyrocket
EARTHQUAKE

Need I say more? It's Seattle's time for something good to happen. The Karmic Wheel has to swing back our way, and I really believe that this is going to be the way it swings. This team is way too good, is managed too well, and does too many of the "little" things, to tank it for the rest of the year. It's Seattle's year. We deserve it ... we've gone through too much bad shit for too long. (Part of what's going to make it even sweeter is the fact that likely during the playoffs we'll take out the fucking Yankees ... I hate the Yankees with a blistering passion!)

Demons from the past crop up from time to time, no matter how much I try to keep them away. It's OK, though ... sometimes they provide killer comic relief! I expect they'll pop up from time to time, I just hope that with the passage of time, these incursions will occur less and less frequently. Time will tell!

And with that, I sign off for now. Enjoy the summer!

The beat goes on

2001-05-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! It's been an interesting month here in the Llama Lounge. For the most part, things are going great! I was starting to become rather concerned that I wasn't going to be able to find a job where I wouldn't have to make a long commute to and from Seattle every day on the bus, but that was taken care of on the 22nd when I got a job! I'm now working for The Netisen Group. I'm currently on a contract that could last as long as 2 years at a client company, on site. It's a QA job - which is what I wanted - and best of all, it's in Bellevue close to home! The commute will be MUCH less taxing on me, now. I start on Tuesday (5/29) ... I'm rather excited about it! Job opportunities were coming in, but nowhere near as fast as when I was looking for a job just a couple of months ago. The economy is starting to really suck right now ... I'd really like to blame our idiot President for it, but I really can't since he has next to nothing to do with it. (I think he's lucky to be able to remember his own name, to be honest.) In any case, Netisen has presented me with a great opportunity. I feel lucky and rather flattered by it!

I was asked if I could be presented to Real Networks on a couple of occasions. Yeah, right. Going to work there would just open up a big can of worms that needs to stay closed. Personally, I could handle it - but the person working there who caused me to turn the opportunity down could not (in my opinion) handle it in a professional and mature manner. Best to leave that one alone!

Want to drive yourself crazy? Check this out: think about your life, as far back as you can somewhat clearly remember. Now. everyone's life has what I call "crossroads points" where a decision you've made has caused your life to go in the direction it's going. Make a mental list of these events, and then imagine what your life would be like had you made a different choice - no matter how subtle of a difference it'd be.

For me, this is a tremendously interesting exercise. It doesn't mess my head up because I don't regret too many of the choices I've made that got me here today. I have a pretty damned good life. Yes, I've got MS and yes, I use a wheelchair - but it wasn't my choice, nor was it caused by a choice I made (or didn't make). The MS is just one of those things that happens - if you're weak, it consumes you. If you're strong, you choose to rise above it and succeed in life in spite of it (and despite everyone who tells you that you can't or won't). Contrary to what some may choose to believe, MS hasn't taken away my ability to play bass, or anything else for that matter!

And the beat goes on ... la dee da dee dee, la dee da dee da.

Did you miss me?

2001-04-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

HELLO! and welcome to the new-look Cyberpad, now known as the Llama Lounge!

It's been a long damned time since I posted a diary entry - almost a year! - and the old site was in DIRE need of an upgrade, so I started this complete site re-write in July of 2000. Various events have occurred (please read the Hospital Entry to find out more about the major event) ... but there's been a lot more. That said, on to today's diary entry.

So much has happened since I last posted a diary entry ... too much. 2000 and the first part of 2001 haven't been the greatest of times for me, really. The worst thing was the 4+ months I spent laid up in a fucking hospital room - but there are other things too.

Probably the worst thing that I can think of was the death of my good friend Darrick, who committed suicide in January. It's been 3 months (plus) now, and I'm still trying to come to grips with it. None of us had any idea what was going on. During the time I spent in the hospital, Darrick was getting my mail for me from my apartment, and just basically coming by to visit me, a LOT ... without him, I'd have not made it out of the hospital with my sanity. We saw him on December 20th (the day I got out of the hospital), and then he basically disappeared from view. We kept e-mailing him, asking him to come over and enjoy the green with us, but he was always too busy ... so he said.

On January 23rd, he dropped by my apartment to return my apartment key because I needed to give it to one of the visiting nurses I had coming by at that time. He had gotten me an ounce of weed while I was in the hospital and had left it in the Llama Lounge inside a small Playmate cooler. When I asked him that night if he wanted it back, he said, "Nah ... just keep it as a souvenir." CREEPY!

2 days later, he was dead, having shot himself in the head with a rifle.

My friends Mike and Tony stopped by on the Friday after it happened and told me the news. (Tony thinks Mike told me brutally by just coming out and saying "Darrick's dead" ... I actually preferred it that way.) At that point, I went numb ... I went through all the stages of grief. I'm still grieving. I never got the chance to tell him how great a person he was - and how much I appreciated all his help and visits, etc. while I was in the hospital. THAT sucks.

Darrick, I love you, man ... we all miss you a lot ... you little bastard.

I also got laid off recently. After the hospital, I took some much needed time off, until April 2nd, when I went to work for Crossgain Corporation. This was a great job... the pay was good, I was working with some really great people, and the job was terrifically challenging. I worked there until April 24th. On April 25th I got into work at 8 a.m. like I always do, and was then hauled into an empty office by the head of QA (I think), where I was told that the company was entirely changing direction, scrapping all the development that had been done up until that point, and laying off half the entire company. The layoff (naturally) involved me. Shit! It was perfect. I liked the job, the people, and the pay - the location was great, too (commute was very reasonable). So now, I'm in the unenviable position of trying to find a job in this market. Fortunately, I have mad sKillZ so it shouldn't take long.

That's all for today - but please, take a look around the new site. There's a lot of brand new stuff that just wasn't on the old site!

The surreal act of losing 1/3 of the year

2001-01-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

Well, no update since 5/6/00. I had intended to have this site upgrade done and posted by August sometime, but all I can really say is ... HOLY SHIT.
I'll start from the beginning. WARNING: this will get a little graphic and may fall in the "did I really need to know that?" category!

My private hell: 8/7/00 - 12/20/00
The first leg: Evergreen Hospital Transitional Care Center ( 8/10/00 - 10/16/00 )

On Friday, August 4th, I started to come down with a pretty severe fever. I had the shakes, the chills, and worst of all I was having a bit of trouble staying coherent. That morning I decided not to take 2 Tylenol before going to work, thinking that it would pass. I was very, very wrong. It just got worse - so much so that, finding no one in the office had any Tylenol (or any generic equivalent), I had to order some from Kozmo. Even after taking two Tylenol, it wasn't much better. I went home early that day. Little did I know it'd be my last day in that office as an employee.

Things didn't get any better over the weekend. The fever, chills, and shakes continued. I was eating Tylenol like candy. I still wasn't able to stay out of bed for very long; for instance, I went to bed at around 6:30 p.m. that Saturday. I decided at that point that I'd hit the Emergency Room at Evergreen Hospital, which is pretty close to my apartment, on the following Monday if things hadn't improved.

Come Monday, things weren't any better (worse in fact), so I went to the ER. Before I went in, I knew that I had a couple of sores on my posterior, but I had been trying to keep them clean with the hopes that they'd heal up. (I know now that there was no chance of that, but I was blissfully ignorant at the time). Once the ER doc and nurses got a look at my wounds, they told me that I had 3 grade 3 pressure sores, one on each side of my posterior, and one on my left hip that was covered with this ugly, leathery, black layer of dead tissue. They sent me home and set me up to have a home nurse come by twice a day to change the dressings on the wounds with the hope that they'd be able to heal.

The first day of the home nurse came and went just fine. I had been given antibiotics to combat whatever was causing the fever (likely one of the sores was infected); they were working very well and I didn't have the chills and shakes anymore. Then, a different nurse came to do the dressing change on the second day - this is 8/9/00 - took one look, and said:

I CAN'T HEAL THESE.

She explained to me that these wounds were way too big and that I needed to be in a SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility) on bed rest with a wound care nurse attending to the wounds. She did a LOT of work that day to get me admitted to the Transitional Care Center at Evergreen Hospital the next day. (I had no Primary Physician at the time; I'd been going to my neurologist for most medical needs.) I'll always be grateful to her for putting in as much time as she did that day to get me squared away. So, the next morning, I shut things down here like I was going to be gone for a week or so, and took a cabulance to Evergreen Hospital.

I ended up being the Evergreen TCC until October 16th. Along the way, I met a lot of really nice people who worked for the hospital, and a few agency temps whom I didn't like, but all in all, the TCC at Evergreen has a great, caring staff. I was on total bed rest for at least a month, only getting out of bed when they took me in a hoyer lift and showered me (possibly one the most indignant things I had to endure during my entire hospital stay. You lose total control of where you're going - all you can really do is hang on and hope that your caregivers are gentle and that the lift doesn't break. You could say that they really have your ass in a sling!)

On the first day, Polaroids were taken of the wounds. At first I didn't want to see them - denial? - but my curiousity got the best of me and I had to look. I wasn't prepared for what I saw - it looked like a fucking wasteland down there! The wound my hip was about 6cm x 7cm x 2 cm deep (almost to bone). The one on the left side of my rump was approx. 7cm x 9cm x 3 cm deep (so not to bone, not close); the one on the right side was 8cm x 9cm x 7cm(!) deep (down all the way to bone). Obviously, these were some pretty serious wounds!

The Monday after I went in, I met my wound care nurse, who ended up doing a fantastic job of trying different products, techniques, etc. to get my wounds to heal. Healing started right away and was pretty dramatic. Things looked good - on the surface. The depth of the wounds wasn't getting much better very fast, though, and the depth is always the biggest concern. Still, we plugged away with conservative means, hoping to avoid surgery.

This went on ... and on. I was working from the hospital at this time; dialing in with a company provided laptop over a slow modem connection. After having a DSL for so long, modems are like pulling teeth! Around the middle of September, I was able to start getting up into my chair for 30 minutes at a time. This was tremendous; you never really realize how much you miss the ability to just go outside and get fresh air until it's taken from you. (This also gave me the ability to go up onto the 4th floor parking garage one evening with a couple of friends and smoke a bowl, which I needed at that point just for mental health.) Unfortunately, though, there was a problem with the lift that night getting back into bed and my wounds sheared a bit, so that was the last time I got up for a while.

During this time, I'd been being seen by a plastic surgeon to assess the need for surgery at any point. Around the 3rd week of September it was determined that while healing was going well, it'd take so long as to be akin to watching grass grow. The decision was made that I'd have surgery on two of the wounds - the one on my hip, and the one on the right side of my rump. It was first scheduled for Thursday, September 28th - but that was my 31st birthday, see, and I was not about to be in surgery on my birthday! It was rescheduled to October 16th.

Hospital, Part 1:The second leg: Surgery - 10/16/00

2001-01-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

Pre-op

The fateful day - October 16, 2000 - came up far faster than I wanted it to. I was very nervous and a little scared (who wouldn't be?) about the impending procedure. I had complete confidence in the surgeon - he's a very nice guy and everyone says that he's one of the best - but it's just the idea of being under anesthesia for 6 hours, having tubes in me, etc. etc. that was really messing me up. I can't say enough nice things about the staff at the Evergreen TCC during the few days leading up to the 16th, and especially on that day. Everyone was so encouraging, so helpful, so reassuring, that it made it a little bit easier. One of the hospital chaplains with whom I'd forged a good relationship over the past couple of months came in and prayed with me. One of the nurses who wasn't even on duty that day came in and did the same. One of the nurses' aides gave me a guardian angel pin which she'd had blessed by a Protestant minister, a Catholic priest, and a rabbi (just to cover all the bases!). Overall. they really helped me to prepare myself mentally for surgery.

But, that time came and the gurney was wheeled in. With the aid of a sliding board, I was placed on the gurney and wheeled down the the pre-operative ward. The anesthesiologist started an IV on me (the nurses were having a hard time doing it; I have deep veins that like to run away from needles). I then waited for it to be my time, when the anesthesiologist would administer a sedative which would knock me out cold so that they could put tubes in me, etc., and start the stronger anesthetic. Something happened while I was waiting that was really great and helped to pass the time - one of the orderlies who works in the surgical ward and was just getting off shift turned out to be a guy I'd gone to college at CWU with - and had played in jazz band with there! This was tremendous - he didn't think I'd remember him, but I did, very well. I can't express strongly enough how great it was to have someone familiar there, even if it had been almost 10 years since I'd seen him! So ... thanks, Phil! :)

Surgery

The last things I remember: the anesthesiologist coming over and giving me the sedative with a syringe into the IV. I remember wheeling into the OR and seeing everyone there, and saying "Hi" ... and then nothing. I had 2 excisions and flap rotations, which means (in very simple terms; I am neither a surgeon nor do I play one on TV!) that the surgeon cuts out (excises) the wound, and then takes some existing skin and muscle tissue (a flap) and rotates them over the site where the wound was, closing it. Of course, I was totally out during all this, until ...

Post-op

I woke up wondering where the hell I was! After asking and having a nurse - who was sitting right there next to me - tell me I was in recovery after surgery, I said a silent prayer thanking God for seeing me through this, and then surveyed my surroundings. Keep in mind that I'm still more than a bit loopy at this point, and starving! (I hadn't eaten anything since the day before). I was on this bed called a Clinitron that I'd been briefed on before surgery.

Hospital, Part 2: The third leg - Evergreen Hospital Acute Care ( 10/16/00 - 11/02/00 )

2001-01-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

After I'd had a little while to get my bearings, I was wheeled (it took 5 guys to do it, the Clinitron is VERY heavy!) to my new room on the 3rd floor. It was about the same size room as I'd had in the TCC, but the TV was better (more channels and better reception for whatever reason). The nurse there gave me a cup of ice chips and a couple of crackers. Not the best meal for someone who's had nothing to eat all day, but food, nonetheless.

I remember turning the TV on at 9:00. This was a Monday night, so Comedy Central was showing 4 back to back episodes of the UK version of Whose Line Is It Anyway?, which is my favorite TV show. I was still a bit disoriented from the anesthetic, but it was still great to have some WLIIA? on. Kept me grounded, a bit.

Now, about this bed... the Clinitron looks like a big bathtub. It's filled with liquified silicon which is always moving so as to be total pressure relief, which I needed so that my surgical scars could heal. The problem with this bed is that a) it's hot as hell! Mine was set to 96 degrees (Fahrenheit!) before I asked them to please turn it down, and b) you cannot raise your head. Try eating or drinking anything lying flat on your back! There was a big blue wedge that could be placed under my back and neck that allowed me to eat, but it didn't work for shit - as soon as it was under me, I'd start sliding off it. I think it should be obvious by this time, but I HATED THIS FUCKING BED!!!

A couple of days after surgery, my (now former) boss came to visit me with the edict that they didn't want me working from the hospital anymore, so I had two choices: either a) take a leave of absence with no pay and no benefits, don't come back until I can sit up and work a full shift, or b) quit with severance pay and paid benefits for a certain amount of time (I'm not going to get into specifics). To be honest, I was going to quit anyway. The new boss, when she came in, added things to my position which were never part of the job description, and was also a bit less understanding about the problems with Metro Access. She basically told me that even if I chose the former option, she could fire me anyway if Access didn't improve. (Yeah, like I have any control over that.)

So, I took the second option - even after talking to an attorney, who told me that if they fired me after I got back due to Access problems, I could sue them for lots of money. I had no desire to get involved in litigation at all, so I took the severance (which came with a document, which I signed, in which I gave up any rights I had to sue them) This is fine ... looking back on it, and seeing the shape the company is in now and the way it's run, cutting ties completely was the best option for me. It isn't like I'm going to have any trouble finding another job!

In any case, the days went by. The surgical sites healed ... the staples were taken out. Dressings were changed every day on not only the surgical sites, but on the wound that was not operated on, which was healing nicely. I was getting Percocet for pain at this time, usually during dressing changes. I'm not sure that I needed it, but I took it anyway.

On November 1, the last of my staples were removed, and the next day, I was leaving Evergreen.

Evergreen Hospital Post Mortem

Overall, the 2½ months I spent at Evergreen were OK. It could've been a lot worse. The nurses, aides, doctors, and other staff there were all very good at what they do. For the most part, I was comfortable throughout my stay there, and met some great people, some of them with whom I still maintain relationships.

The food at Evergreen was decent, but I got very sick of it. I think I ate everything that they offered, as well as everything they offered on the grill (which is excellent, for a hospital). Still, near the end of my stay there, it all started to taste the same ...

The TV there sucked. Not very many channels, and it tended to go out from time to time. The reception wasn't good most of the time (which is odd, given that it's cable). But what else do you do when you're stuck in a hospital bed? I had bought myself a Game Boy and a few games, and that helped, and I had work for most of the time while I was there (but the laptop belonged to work and therefore I installed no games on it) ... so the TV started to be a companion to me far too much. TV is indeed a vast wasteland!

In any case, on November 2, it was time for me to leave Evergreen and transfer to Northwest Hospital Center For Medical Rehabilitation.

Hospital, Part 3: The fourth and final leg - Northwest Hospital ( 11/02/00 - 12/20/00 )

2001-01-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

Around noon on November 2nd, an ambulance showed up to transfer me from Evergreen to Northwest Hospital in Seattle. Again, I was a little nervous - what with a new hospital, and new people to train and all :) ... the ride there was helped immeasurably by the fact that one of the two guys with the ambulance was someone with whom I went to high school - in Alaska - and was also one of the guitarists in the first band in which I ever played bass, "In Trance". Talk about a small world! Having Brett be there made the ride there much more tolerable than it might have otherwise been. I can't really quantify the impact a familiar face when it's not expected has on nervousness ... it really helps. So, thanks Brett!!

Northwest is a good rehab hospital. (I have heard that it's good across the board, but I can't really speak to that.) They have this thing called Easy Street, which is basically an area which has all kinds of simulated real world environments. For instance, there's a Larry's Market, a restaurant, a bank, a small house, and a movie theater. I'm sure that this is a great thing for people who are just disabled or need help to remember how to get along in the real world. It wasn't that big a deal to me since I've been living in this chair since 1995 and I pretty much have it down as far as how to get along!

Once I got to Northwest, I had this enormous room that could have been used for 2 patients - it had 2 beds - but I was the only one in the room, which stayed that way (thank God) the entire time I was there. Now began the great bed saga. What sort of bed was I supposed to be on? At first, I was put on a standard hospital bed, but this wasn't going to work since there's no pressure relief to speak of, and I still had one - albeit very small - open wound to heal. So, a little while later, the second bed was brought in, a Flexicair air mattress. These are great - air mattress which relieves pressure by constant airflow. They're noisy, but comfortable for the most part, and (most importantly) you can raise your head up and sit up a bit to eat, drink, watch the idiot box, etc. I was very pleased, after spending 2½ weeks on my back!

I knew there was a lot of work ahead, though, when one of the physical therapists came into my room and tried to get me to sit up and then to transfer into my chair. I couldn't even sit up - I just about passed out. It's amazing what lying in bed for almost 3 months will do to your equilibrium, your muscles, etc.!

The next day, I met my normal physical therapist, and we started me out on the tilt table. Basically, you get on this narrow table, and it's then cranked up so that you're lying at an angle. Each time a new angle was attempted, my blood pressure was taken to make sure that it wasn't going way up or down. This went on for 3-4 days ... let me tell you, this is NOT a very comfortable position! The table is pretty hard ... and very narrow. It almost feels as if you're going to fall off of it, although your therapists would certainly never let that happen.

I also met my occupational therapists on this day... boy, did I luck out :) I got two very beautiful ladies - one an OT, the other a student - who were closer to my age than any other therapists I'd had previous. They're both very cool, too, so it made OT a pleasant thing, most of the time. (Therapy of any sort isn't pleasant 100% of the time!)

After a few days of the tilt table, it was decided that we'd try a cardiac chair, which is basically a big wheelchair that can be flattened to facilitate transfers in and out of bed with a sliding board. There was much surprise at how well I tolerated it - I think I'd just gotten tired of the tilt table and being in bed all the time and so I willed my body to accept it! At this time, the bed saga continued. It was decided that I'd change to bed #3 - a Flexicair Eclipse, which is basically an air mattress similar to the first Flexicair which is overlaid on a normal hospital bed. Why change beds? We needed a bed with a lower profile so that I could transfer in and out, because transfer training was starting the next day!

PT and OT went on for about another week or so when it became apparent that the bed wasn't working out. I was able to transfer in and out, with help, without too many problems, but I was bottoming out on the frame of the bed when I was lying there for any length of time. This (obviously) defeats any pressure relief that goes on, so a new bed was sought out. (Bed #4.) This is the only time that I became visibily angry during my 4+ months in the hospital. They changed beds, alright - to another Clinitron, only one this time that - purportedly - would allow me to raise my head. Yeah, right - the only part that raised up WAS the head, and whenever I'd raise it, it'd push my chin into my chest and make breathing an issue. Couple that with a big ridge on the outside of it which made transferring in and out impossible without the use of a lift, and it was just the WRONG bed, completely. What made me angry was the fact that I was NOT consulted on this change - as with any other patient, I have the right to participate in any decisions regarding my care. I pretty much went off :) This bed lasted exactly one evening, and a different bed was found for me the next day - bed #5 - a ZoneAir. Great bed... its outward appearance would lead you to believe that it's just a normal hospital bed, but it's far from that. It has sensors at the bottom of the mattress which adjust pressure according to where you're lying in bed. The head and foot go up and down just like a normal hospital bed, and transferring in and out is easily done because there are no ridges, etc. on the outside. This was the perfect bed for me and I had it for the rest of my stay at Northwest.

The days went by. PT with wall weights every day, transfer training every day, work on the BTE machine with OT, fine motor training, real world training (although I really didn't need it; I hadn't [for instance] forgotten how to do my laundry, etc.) ... all this led up to my being made "Independent In Room" on Thursday the 14th of December. This meant I could get in and out of bed whenever I wanted to without having to have a nurse, therapist, doctor, or aide standing there to watch me. Joy!

On December 20th, American Cabulance came to pick me up at 10:30 ... and the ordeal was finally over. I went home!

Northwest Hospital Post Mortem

Northwest wasn't bad as far as hospital goes. The kitchen, however, was not as good as Evergreen's. Northwest should subtitle their nutritional services as "how many different ways can we cook a small chicken breast"! If you've ever seen "Forrest Gump", you'll no doubt remember the scene where Bubba is rattling off things to do with shrimp. Replace "shrimp" with "chicken" and you have 90% of Northwest's menu! For the most part, the food was OK, as long as I remembered to order something different than what was on the menu they gave me :)

The people at Northwest are great, the therapists in particular. They got me from not being able to even sit up to getting myself into and out of bed without problem in 6 weeks ... not a small task! I'll always be grateful to them for that. The nurses are good, even the evening nurse with whom I butted heads a lot :) Rehab there is like boot camp, but it's also very methodical and - most important of all - effective. When the 20th came around, I was ready to go. (Actually, I was probably ready to go the day they made me independent in room, but a few more days didn't hurt.)

So, that's it! 4 months and 10 days of my life wasted away in the hospital ... but, it wasn't really a waste. I learned how to do things in my life to insure that this never happens again ... and believe me, if I have anything to say about it, it won't!

Hospital, Part 4: Reflection and Commentary on the Whole Experience

2001-01-26T11:04:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the experience, all I can say is that it was, for the most part, the worst 4+ months of my life. The lack of freedom to come and go as you please ... the exceptionally bad food to which you have to apply copious amounts of salt, pepper, or whatever other spices you can find to make it palatable ... the invasive procedures and having to put my foot down to get out of them ... the list is endless, really, and it really isn't necessary to go through it all. I'm sure you who is reading this now can imagine the other indignities being in the hospital provides, and I sincerely hope that none of you EVER has to go through it.

That being said, it could have been worse. The staffs at each facility in which I spent time were great for the most part, and did the best they could to get me well - at least, well enough to be out of the hospital and on my own again. There are a few good memories - mostly involving a lot of hysterical laughter with nurses and/or therapists - which I'll have forever. I try to focus on these memories and not on the bad ones ... some of the bad memories are still able to chill me to the bone. It's also bizarre (now) to sit back and think that I actually did spend 4+ months there. While I was there, it felt more like 4 years.

The real work starts now, though. I now must do a wheelchair pushup every 15-20 minutes, which gets my behind off the chair and lets blood flow back into the spots where I was sitting, stopping the chance for that tissue to die and thus forming another sore. I must be a lot more diligent now about my skin. Sometimes, this is a time-consuming pain in the ass - but the alternative (going back into the hospital for pressure sores) is simply not acceptable. If a few inconveniences are required to keep me home, then so be it!

I'd have not made it through the 4 months without Monty and Darrick, who helped me by coming into my apartment and rotating lights, by getting my ample quantity of mail, and just coming by to visit me when I really needed friends. What got me through - a lot of times - was just thinking about getting out and taking huge gurgs with M&D. Thanks, guys! :-)

Change is good, m'kay?

2000-05-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! Those (few) of you who read this page regularly have probably been wondering "why no entry for so long?"...

Well, I wanted to wait until my life settled down a bit. A lot of changes have occurred over the past 4 months (actually, most of them in the last month or so). For one thing, I've moved to a different apartment - still in the Seattle area, certainly, but different nonetheless. This is a bigger place with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, which so far seems to be a bit more comfortable. The best part is that I'm using the master bedroom as a computer and music room, so the home studio will all be setup in here. We're going to use ALL the gear we have now, because we have a couple of songs that are just about ready to be recorded (we've already recorded scratch versions of them), and now we'll have the proper setup to "put the eyebrows on them", to quote Frank Zappa. The new songs are really cool - my creativity has really been going strong over the last couple of months (ever since I bought myself a cheap Mexican-made Fender Telecaster), and Monty has brought in a couple of really good ideas as well - one of which I can never seem to get out of my head! =) We've got more brand new material in the hopper right now than we've had in the last few years, and that's a great feeling! They should be done, along with a few other songs, by year's end at the very latest. You will, of course, hear about them here first!

On April 19, I achieved a goal that I'd been working toward for around a year - I got my driver's license again! There are a lot of restrictions on it now (automatic transmission, power steering, power brakes, all hand controls, and a turning knob mounted at 4:00 on the steering wheel), but at least I can drive again! I'm now looking for an accessible minivan, which I should have by the time fall rolls around.

FLYINGLLAMA.COM has now moved to our new hosts at ValueWeb. They have a pretty good hosting package that isn't real expensive. However, it's just a temporary solution. With the new apartment, I've now got 1 MB SDSL through Reflex Communications - which means I have 1 MEGAbit of bandwidth, both upload and download. (SDSL stands for Symmetric Digital Subscriber Line) So, at some point in the future, I'll be hosting the domain myself, most likely on a Red Hat Linux 6.2 or Solaris 8/x86 machine running the Apache web server. I'm not looking forward to configuring sendmail to host the mail server, though!

So, things are going well! The negative influences in my life seem to be fading away into karmic oblivion, and that's a wonderful thing! It's nice to have new digs - I'd lived in my old place for almost 5 years, and while I did enjoy living there, it was just time to move on. Moving is, however, a great way to re-obtain one's anonymity. Since my phone number is (obviously) different - and unlisted/unpublished - , I can now control who knows it and who doesn't. Even though I do wear much of my personal life on my sleeve via this web site, I still like to have my privacy and anonymity, as well as to be protected from people whom I'd just as soon not know where I live. (Paranoid? Maybe... =) )

You might have also noticed that the CyberPad is no longer a member of LinkExchange (or BCentral, whatever the hell Micro$oft has decided to call it this week). This is for one reason: CENSORSHIP. I was reading on The Daily Rotten archives that LinkExchange refused to allow a particular site to be part of the LinkExchange network simply because he had a link to rotten dot com. I don't do censorship; nor do I patronize ANY organization that promotes it. Therefore, this site is OFF LinkExchange and its counter as well. (rotten dot com has been added to the links section as well!) In addition, I've removed the site from the Commonwealth Network.

That's it for now - salut!

A lot to cover ...

2000-01-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

First off, a belated Happy New Year to everyone! I had originally intended to update this page long before this, but things have happened over the last three weeks that have caused me to put it off until now. Want more info? Read on!

Now that we've gotten past all the Y2K hype - and that's all it was - I hope that the doomsayers out there who stocked their survivalist compounds with weeks and weeks of water and canned goods are having a good time trying to offload them on eBay. I can't recall in my lifetime ever seeing something that was so overblown and hyped up by the (reprehensible) media as this whole Y2K thing. FWIW, I have been telling everyone for months that nothing would happen, and that the new year would pass without any major glitches. So, even though it's really not in my nature, I TOLD YOU SO!! Those of you out there trying to sell your overstocked stuff, why not consider giving it away instead to those in need? There are a lot of hungry people out there!

Point of order here. The media is at it again, spreading information that is simply WRONG. 2000 is NOT, no matter what the media would have you believe, the first year of the 21st century! The proof of this is quite simple. Ask yourself: was there ever a year 0? NO. The first millenium started on year 1 A.D. - the second started 1000 years after that, in 1001 A.D. - and the third starts on January 1, 2001! Don't listen to the media; they're clueless on this point. I watched much of the ABC 2000 coverage, and it just pissed me off to no end that Peter Jennings kept referring to those of us who choose to be correct and refer to 2001 rather than 2000 as the start of the next millenium as "specialists". We're not "specialists", Peter - we're just not idiots!

(It was also highly amusing to listen to Peter Jennings as the night wore on and he grew more fatigued, as his Canadian accent crept more and more into his speech. Heard a few "aboots" in there, heh heh Don't get me wrong, I love Canada and most of the Canadians I know are awesome people - I just found this amusing, is all.)

And now, for the events of the new year so far. These last 3 weeks have been, without a doubt, the hardest 3 weeks of my life. Around the new year, I begin to have a pretty serious attack of MS, in a place in my body where it had never really manifested itself until now - my right arm. At its lowest point, I could not write (couldn't hold a pen), I couldn't type faster than maybe 20 WPM (as opposed to the normal 90-100), I didn't have enough control of my hand to mouse accurately and thus no Tribes, and worst of all, I couldn't make the simplest of chord shapes with my right hand on the Stick, so I had to take the better part of 3 weeks off from playing. My mental state was, to put it simply, not good. Depression was setting in - I could feel it, and in researching the symptoms on the net, I had on the average of 7 out of 10 in each list. While suicide certainly was never an option nor something I considered, I do remember having the thought when I went to bed on a couple of nights that it really wouldn't be a bad thing if I just didn't wake up the next morning. This scared the HELL out of me, natch.

Having been making music in some way since I was 5 years old and couldn't even reach the bass pedals on my mom's old Wurlitzer organ, not having the ability to do so for even 3 minutes - let alone 3 weeks! dropped me into a pretty nasty mental funk. Nothing was fun anymore. I wasn't even interested in smoking marijuana. (This is a pretty major thing; if you know me, you know that smoking marijuana is one of my greatest pleasures in life!) I considered, pretty strongly, going back on anti-depressants - but it feels like I won't need to do so now. Thank God!

Fast forward to today - I am on the mend! I've got most of my typing skill back, around 80 WPM now and getting better daily. Since my old tribe disbanded, I've joined a new tribe called Violence, Inc. which seems to be a real good group of people. And best of all, I've been playing Stick again, and digging into my new Grand Stick with MIDI more and more as my hand improves. Life is good again. Smoking weed is fun again. There's reason to get out of bed!

My workplace has been so understanding about this, not only this attack, but about all the problems that come with disability, like not being able to get to work some days, needing to take time off to get my driver's license, etc. etc. ad nauseum. It's for this reason that I am 100% loyal to GraphOn, so headhunters, if you're reading this: I know that my resume looks really good and you might want to see if you can pluck me from where I'm at, but it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, so don't bother!

I was recently approached by a small label in Minnesota (Keystone Records) to record a song with the Stick for a holiday album this year... this should be a fun project, on which my friend Cristill is going to sing! We haven't decided WHAT we're going to record yet, but it'll be on this site when it's done, so stay tuned!!

Recently, when my friend Darrick was over at my place and we were hanging out, I put into my CD player the second volume of the "Plastic Joe Freak Show". The "Freak Show" CDs were CDs that Zeke put together from practice tapes and gave to the rest of us, for the purpose of writing new songs. There are some GREAT takes of unreleased material on this CD; it's my intention to capture a couple of them and post them here in MP3 format, and perhaps to the Plastic Joe site on MP3.COM. Again, stay tuned!

Addendum, January 24, 2000: folks, please don't read into the above that a Plastic Joe reunion is happening - I'll state this once, for the record: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Not in this lifetime. Sorry!

Well, I'm tired of writing now - have to do some work - so that's all for now!

A new addition ...

1999-12-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hello gentle readers! =)

I bring tidings of great joy, as Christmas has come early this year! I am pleased to announce the newest arrival to my "family" - namely, a brand new 12-string tarara Grand Stick with the Block(R) active pickup, and a Roland GK-2A MIDI pickup!

Of course, this is not without its sad part too, as we must say sayonara to "Big Red", my old satiné 10-string with the Block. Back in September the family's first member, "Four Foot Wood", left us in trade for our newest member. Not to worry, though - FFW ended up in the hands of a really nice guy back in Michigan who also works in the software industry. He seems to be enjoying it, a LOT! =)

I'll post some pictures of the new "baby" as soon as I get a new digital camera. The one I have, well, sucks! =)

30

1999-10-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

OK, It happened.

I turned 30 last week. I guess I'm cursed to be one of those people who getting older is going to bother. It doesn't bother me THAT much, though - I mean, when I woke up on September 28th, I didn't feel any differently than I did when I went to bed the night before!

I've done a lot of thinking about it, though - mostly retrospection. Sometimes I can't figure out how the hell it all went so fast! I mean, it was over 5 years ago that I was diagnosed with MS, but that feels like yesterday. It's been 8 years since I was done with college ... and again, it feels like yesterday.

Where the hell did all the time go? Now that I'm 30, does that mean I have to be an "ADULT"? One of those people that I always knew as "grown-ups" when I was a little kid? Lump myself in with the people whom my parents were always inviting over to the house? The way that they always behaved is indelibly printed on my psyche; likely only exacerbated by the fact that I grew up an only child. So at the big family gatherings, as far as kids went it was pretty much me. I had to grow up mentally pretty fast.

But, I get tired of thinking about that after awhile.

Generally, at that point I start thinking about my life. I've got a great job that I really like and I am fortunate enough to work in a field which allows me to live quite comfortably. I have great friends who are intelligent and are wonderful people to boot. I have family who love and care about me. My parents are both still alive and very well, and are the best parents anyone could ever want to have. Not much dysfunction in my immediate family.

Even though I have MS, I've been able to maintain just about everything that was a part of my life before my diagnosis; indeed, some of it has been a lot better. Plastic Joe was a great experience, and when we were getting along, we were very, very good. All the guys in the band were and have been great about accomodating me in my wheelchair, and I thank all of them for that, even Zeke. I have become a lot more tolerant and even tempered; I don't let stupid piddling shit bother me anymore. I'm just mellowing out, I guess - getting closer to true hippiedom all the time. (Better that than yuppiedom!)

So, who gives a rat's ass about the wheelchair. An unfortunate part of life.

Hmmm... I'm 30 now. OK. Cool. =)

On being a minister

1999-08-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

I've gotten more than a few inquiries asking me how I can call myself a minister given the views presented on my pages, and the language with which I sometimes express them.

Let me take the latter question first, as it's the easiest one to address. The way that I write on this page is very much a stream of consciousness. What you read here is pretty much directly as I think it; from my brain to this page to your eyes, if you will.

Words are just words, and that's it. It wasn't (please insert your name for God here; I call Him Jah) who decided that certain words are "offensive", it was MAN.

Personally, I don't find any word offensive in and of itself - it's the way in which words are used that can be offensive. If I just say "fuck" or "shit" or whatever other "socially unacceptable" word, where's the offense in that, other than the conditioning we've all been brought up with which deems certain parts of the language "offensive"?

OK, enough about that, let's move on to my philosophy, specifically about marijuana. The bottom line: smoking marijuana makes me feel closer to God (Jah).
I am not advocating that everyone should smoke marijuana; I think it is a entirely personal choice. To be a 'member' of my congregation does not require that one take 12 huge bong hits every day, and then call me in the morning!

Am I supporting the use of drugs? No. I do not believe that marijuana is a drug. It is a plant that is totally natural. Nothing has be done chemically to the plant to bring out its psychoactive properties. There is NOT ONE intoxicant besides marijuana that can say that. Every other one has to be cut, distilled, etc. etc. Only marijuana is pure, just as God gave it to us.

Enough about marijuana. Use it, or do not. It's up to you.

My beliefs as a minister are very simple. I do not believe one iota in any kind of pigeonholed, organized, denominational religion. You can call God whatever you wish; I don't think He minds. However you wish to believe is your choice, and if it gives you peace, I am all for it. The only tenets to which I subscribe are the 10 commandments, and the most important one: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." I firmly believe that if you treat others as you wish to be treated, you will be a good person - in your eyes, in others' eyes, and in God's eyes.

All I wish is that we'd all stop fighting about it. There have been more people killed throughout history in the name of God than in any other name. This is wrong on so many levels. Why can't we just agree that God is great and live peacefully?

Mr. Bungle in Seattle

1999-07-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last night, my friend Monty and I went to the Showbox in Seattle to see Mr. Bungle, Mike Patton (of Faith No More fame)'s main project. I'd been waiting to see Mr. Bungle for 8 years, ever since my friend Rich Brown turned me on to them back in 1991. To put it mildly, this show was AWESOME!! The opening band (which was basically nothing more than some guy screaming over a whole lot of unintelligible noise) notwithstanding, this was one of the finest displays of precision and musicianship that I've seen in a long time. It made me think of bands like King Crimson - and I started to think how great a show those 2 bands (Mr. Bungle and King Crimson) would be. Of course, it'll probably never happen, but I can dream, can't I?

By far, the best part of the show was when they pulled out a tune from the very first album - "Travolta". This was a controversial song at the time - John Travolta sued them and forced them to change the name of the song. They ended up changing it to "Quote Unquote, or "". I was lucky enough to buy the first edition of the CD, where the first song is still shown as "Travolta". OK, so I didn't get the Body Count CD with "Cop Killer" on it, but I got this one!

This was only the second show of a 6 week tour for Mr. Bungle, so if you can, get out to see them. I guarantee that they will not disappoint you!

Stupid People

1999-06-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Now, to today's entry. Have you noticed that the amount of stupid people in the world seems to be increasing at an almost exponential rate?

Case in point - this deals with scheduling a ride on Metro Access and dealing with the Einstein who answered the phone one day last week. Here's the conversation (in a nutshell):

Access: Hello?
Me: Hi, I would like to schedule a ride for next Thursday, June 24th.
Access: OK, which address are you going to? (already, she's ended a sentence with a preposition, but everyone does it, so I'm not going to fault her for THAT. Besides, it gets better.)
Me: 1750 112th Ave NE, Suite C242, in Bellevue. (GraphOn's address.)
Access: What time do you need to be there?
Me: No later than 9:00 a.m., please.
Access: What day is this for?

OK, let's stop right there. Didn't I give her that the moment she answered the phone? Is it so difficult to remember after only about ___15 seconds___??? To make a long story short, this goes on and on. She can't get my return time correct, either, even though I was very clear about it, and the middle window time I wanted. (Metro runs on a 30 minute window system wherein they can show up to pick you up within a half hour window.)

Maybe I'm getting crotchety in my old age (30 is creeping up quickly), but I don't think it's too much to ask to actually LISTEN to the person to whom you're speaking, especially if your job function is to take information from them!!!

By far, though, stupid people show their true colors when they get behind the wheel of a car. I swear, one day I'm going to start a grassroots campaign which would make it legal to hunt and destroy anyone caught driving and talking on the phone at the same time. If you're caught doing your makeup, reading the paper, eating breakfast, talking on the phone, and driving at the same time, well ... that calls for unusually harsh punishment; perhaps Chinese water torture before the actual destruction.

Even if you're *not* doing any of the above, would it hurt you to just LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING, every once in awhile?

For now, I'm in agreement with the Hunter S. Thompson line in "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" ... "We can't stop here ...... this is bat country!"

The ever-changing face of MS

1999-06-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Received some bad news yesterday, as I found out that my MS diagnosis has been changed from recurring-remittant to secondary progressive. Now, this isn't something that I didn't already know, but perhaps I was just trying to live within that neat river over in Egypt.

It does bother me somewhat, though. I'm not stupid enough to think that my MS will magically go away, but I guess I just didn't want to hear that "P" word in relation to my condition. Oh well. There isn't a damned thing I can do about it, other than to continue my medication regimen and hope to God a cure is found sooner, rather than later.

Did you ever wonder ...

1999-06-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever dealt with someone in your life who is so self-absorbed as to be completely incognizant of the world around them, and how it works?

I'm baaaaaaaack ...

1999-02-25T10:52:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Lots of things have happened since last July. I went to work for drugstore.com, which has been a great change for me; very positive. Probably, though, the most significant thing for visitors to this site is the fact that Plastic Joe is no more. Many people have asked me what happened, and how a group that had been together for so long could just up and dissolve.

Without being too banal, and without turning this page into a name-calling, accusatory forum, I will just say that there were extreme differences between the 3 of us remaining in the band and the one who is no longer. Basically, we were trying to bring the group to the next level and were encountering resistance at every step of the way. So – to make a long story short, just like any other cancerous abscess, we removed it.

The three of us remaining from Plastic Joe are working together still, and are looking to find a replacement for the departed member. We may add a keyboardist as well; we’ll just have to see what happens. Whatever happens should be interesting, to say the least!

We just went live at drugstore.com yesterday; what a great feeling! I’ve spent the last 8 weeks working harder than I ever have before, and the moment when we finally opened up the site to the world was exceptionally exhilarating. I’d forgotten how great it is to be part of a successful team, and to release an outstanding product to the world. I’d forgotten how much fun and familial the work environment can be. I only wish that Seattle Metro could provide better paratransit service so that I could stay at work longer and not have to do so much work at home.

Metro Paratransit .. now here’s an item that can get me going. I’m dependent on them to get basically anywhere I want to go, until I can afford to get a van of my own. (These things aren’t exactly cheap!) Lately their service has left a LOT to be desired – more so than in the past. It seems to be a rarity these days that I can actually get a ride from my home to our rehearsal studio so that we can rehearse! I also bought a new Stick a few months back, but don’t get nearly enough chance to play it, again, due to Metro. (I have my rosewood Stick at home, though, so I’m not completely devoid of Stickness!)

I don’t know what it’s going to take to get these fuckers from Metro to provide a decent paratransit service. I know that they should treat their drivers better – the drivers are the lifeblood of the entire service, and for the most part, they do a fantastic job given the circumstances. There have been times – more often than I’d care to think – when they have on their manifest a rider to be picked up at a certain time, and another, different rider who is likely about 10-20 minutes away being picked up AT THE SAME TIME! How stupid is THAT?

I think that’s all for now. I’m in too positive a mood to rant and rave any further. Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to add to this page more often now that we’ve gone live!

Cell Phones and Texas Hypocrisy

1998-07-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

OK. There are two things that are just burning in my head right now.

The first is cellular phones. I don't have anything against the phones themselves. I own one. However, what I *DO* have a problem with is people who drive and talk at the same Goddamned time! PUT DOWN THE FUCKING PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE YOU'RE DRIVING, or pull to the side of the road and finish your conversation. Stop endangering me and everyone else on the road - do you really think your conversation is so important as to risk the very lives of everyone driving near you? (Here's a hint for the lobotomized - IT ISN'T!!)

It also annoys me to no end that we see all kinds of cellular service advertising around here in Seattle which actually promotes this stupid behavior - for instance, there's an Airtouch Cellular advertisement I keep seeing on Metro buses which says "the car next to you just sold 500 shares of [stock]" ... grr! I'm happy for that person, but I'd feel a lot better about it if he/she had done it on the side of the road!

Here's a bonus rant that I hadn't planned on airing today but thinking of advertising just dredged it up. When I was a young kid (I'm 28 now, born in 1969), advertisements on TV and in print were immaculate. The grammar and spelling of the words was perfect. They were a good example for us at that time - and some commercials actually helped me to learn how to spell words properly.

Nowadays, though, it seems that none of the advertising cretins know how to spell, or (more annoyingly) the proper use of contractions. HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT?? How hard is it to figure out that a plural doesn't need a contraction? If I see many more words in print like "valley's" or the like used where a plural (valleys, if you're too stupid to know) should be, it's entirely possible that I will go papal.

I just saw today on MSNBC that the Texas Board of Education decided to divest itself of Disney stock because of some of the movies that Disney subsidiaries have made (Pulp Fiction, Chasing Amy, Clerks, etc.). The Board states that "Disney-backed movies like "Pulp Fiction" are promoting violence, drug use and promiscuous sex as well as homosexuality."

**GASP** Oh no!! Not that!

When is the government/establishment going to learn that it's not up to them to decide what our moral values should be? If they're concerned about children having access to these movies, then they need to look squarely at the parents - because the last time I checked, the responsibility of raising children still falls with them. If these kids are watching Pulp Fiction et al. and something bad happens to them as a direct or indirect result, then look at the parents - because why the FUCK were the kids watching it in the first place?

Sounds like a steaming load of hypocrisy to me. I'll bet you large sums of money that there's at least one person on the Texas Board of Education who has seen at least one of the movies in question and has enjoyed it very much - just like the rest of it. Get the fuck down off the high horse and get a clue!

I'm done, again. At least for today. We'll see what pisses me off next. :-)

Staying Active

1998-07-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's difficult to stay active and not turn into a hermit. Don't get me wrong, I'm already somewhat of a hermit, but at least I get out of the house. On some occasions, though, an almost paralyzing fatigue will take hold of me and it's all I can do to move around the house. (Invariably, this happens when I have to be someplace, have something to do, somewhere to go, etc. - Murphy's Law, rearing its ugly head.)

I think I do a pretty good job and live a pretty full life, really. (A lot more full than most of the disabled folks I know, but that's a rant for another day) For instance, I'm the only disabled person I've ever seen out playing gigs in clubs with a band. One of the things that really pisses me off is when I meet someone who is disabled and they've given up. Disabled doesn't mean dead, folks. Get a clue. Get out there. Enjoy life. You only get one (depending upon what you choose to believe)...

It also annoys me to no end that some disabled folks I know use their disability as a crutch - or, worse yet, a tool with which to manipulate their friends and/or relatives. It's as bad as people using their race ... or their sex ... or, or, or, or etc. ad nauseum - to get ahead. Get ahead on your merits, people. Your race, sex, creed, religion, background, etc. has nothing to do with it. If you're an idiot, it doesn't matter what you are otherwise, I still want you the hell out of the gene pool!

Here's another rant, this one directed at you able bodied folks. Stop looking at me like I'm going to harm you, or make you sick, or whatever it is you think I'll do that frightens you. Stop pulling your children close to you when I wheel by; what are you afraid of? I don't bite, unless asked... nicely... ;-)

Well, that's all for now, until something else pisses me off. Stay well, and be nice to one another for a change!