Closure

OK, so I went to the memorial service for my Dad on June 18th. Quite simply, this was the hardest thing I've ever done, gone through, whatever. But, it turned out to be 100% necessary for me, and for the rest of my family, I think.

It was a nice service. My Dad's cremains were in front of the church, in a gold box directly underneath a picture of him, surrounded by some nice looking flower arrangements with red ribbons saying "Grandpa" and "Dad" and "Husband" in gold lettering. I couldn't stop staring at the gold box ... thinking "Damn ... my Dad is in that box."

I thought maybe I could keep it together for at least a little while ... not happening. The service started out with music, the song "In The Garden". I broke down about halfway through. My Mom reached up and grabbed my hand ... that was very good, I needed that. She held on throughout the rest of the service.

My Mom picked a minister whom I think my Dad would have liked very much. Patang is an Indian gentleman (from the Asian country, not American Indian) who stands about 5' 3", maybe ... and in any venue where he may be speaking, a PA system would NOT be required. He has a booming voice that you wouldn't expect to come out of someone of that stature. He's funny, too, and made the service very inspirational - good for all of us in the family sitting in the front row. (You see funerals portrayed on TV and in film, and you see the family sitting there all in a row, but you never imagine yourself sitting in that row. An experience that I'd just as soon not repeat anytime soon.)

After the service, we went up to the cemetery in Hardin for the inurnment. This was done with full military honors as my Dad was a veteran of the Korean War; having been a radar operator on the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Shangri-La (which has since been scrapped). The 21-gun salute was nice, but almost felt at times like I was the one being shot.

Patang said a few words; then the inurnment service was over. Folks filtered away from the site until my Mom, my brother Jim, and I were the only ones left. My Mom stood there for awhile with her hand on the gold box ... I think, at that moment, I got an extreme lesson in what love actually is. Eventually, she walked away leaving Jim and I. As I mentioned before, I couldn't take my eyes off the box. Had there been lasers in my eyes, there would have been holes burned through it. We stayed there for a bit ... I had managed to maintain through the inurnment service to that point. I said, "Goodbye, Dad", turned the chair, and rolled away, my brother by my side.

And that's when the tears started to flow.

Overall, though, it was good. Good to be there with family, and good to gain whatever closure I could get by saying goodbye to my Dad's ashes. His headstone wasn't done, so I'm going back to MT in early September to see it. Probably, I'll go back again at Xmas time. Now that I know the flight isn't a complete nightmare, and they take pretty good care of my chair, I don't have to worry so much about it anymore.

My Dad's passing has re-energized me about a lot of things. I am putting together a new live band, and working on setting up a benefit concert with Alliance Radio here in Seattle, to raise money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society and the Myelin Project. I'm not done playing live yet; I need to get on stage at least one last time. Right now, I have all the pieces assembled, except for a guitarist. Hopefully I can find one without too many ... issues ... because I've got no time for anyone like that. Been there, done that. We'll see what happens.

I'd be remiss if I didn't thank publicly Kevin Duecker from LIFTT in Billings. Both times I went back there, he loaned us an accessible van, with a lift, for absolutely NO CHARGE. He didn't even want us to fill the gas tank before bringing it back (we did, of course). Without LIFTT, I would have never been able to go to my Dad's service, to spend time in Hardin, or even to do very much at all in Billings. Thanks, Kevin!

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Day for night
I can't wait 'til the time is right
Like a gun waits for war
Like the sun waiting for a light

Pound away
Get it done in just half a day
'Neath the sweltering sky
Get it done, don't ask why

Don't you want to live my way?
Living day for night
Don't you want to live my way?
Why you want to keep trying?
You never get it right
When you could be
Living day for night

Live my dream
There's no dancing in between
Why not let it go?
There's no sense being so extreme
Act instead
There's no life living in your head
The director's long gone
Still the play goes on
And on and on . . . come on!

Your dreams were disappearing
So you disappeared
Into your head
There's no freshness
In your feelings
So you feel like
Going back to bed
As the mercury rises
There are still some surprises

Day for night
There's no time
There's no end in sight
Not a moment to lose
There's no voice
You can't choose