The Downward Spiral

I am NOT happy with the state of the world right now.

Normally, I'm a pretty happy person. In the past, things have tended to roll off me, almost as if I were covered in Teflon. I've always been able to process everything that came into my life, be it good or bad, and haven't really been too much worse for the wear. I've always had a self-repairing psyche. Right now, though ... too much shit going on, all at once, and I am not ashamed to admit that I am having a very difficult time coping with it all. I think I'm probably as close to having a complete nervous breakdown as I've ever been.

Here's a 'stream of consciousness' list, in no particular order and without any specifics, of the things in my life that are sending me toward the deep end, and that right quick:

WAR; DEATH; MS; terrible, unchallenging job; deception; being blatantly used; terrible, insulting, laughable attempts at concealment; imminent collapse of support system; deterioration of physical condition; necessity of swallowing deep emotion; constant reminders of physical limitations; the likelihood of perpetual solitude; constant physical pain; constant struggles with normal everyday function; feeling like furniture in my own home ... blah blah. I could go on, but I won't.

There are situations going on now where everyone seems to be of the opinion that I care - when, in actuality, I couldn't give less of a FUCK. I have no interest - not now, not EVER, in going any further with it than it currently is. Period, point blank. Once this point can be gotten across and grokked in fullness, things will improve immensely. If this can be realized, and the bullshit surrounding it can be excised, everyone involved will feel a hell of a lot better.

I have to assume (which is admittedly a highly dangerous activity in and of itself) that if you're reading this, you give at least a small shit about what happens to me, so I'll say this: no matter how bad it gets, I am certainly not going to try and self-terminate. I'm not going to lower myself into a vat of molten steel or do anything else to hurt myself. That's the pussy way out. I know very well that eventually things will be better, but right now ... that side of the river seems to be a LONG way away, and across the vast plains of Mordor.

Maybe if our President stops running this country into the ground, that'll help. How many of you can say that you're better off and/or happier than you were in the late 1990's? I sure as fuck can't. Say what you want about ex-President Clinton, but while he was President, this country went through the largest period of growth that it's ever seen. Personally, I couldn't care less what he did with his dick!

I absolutely have to get out of my current job. It's nowhere near challenging - mega-boring, actually. It certainly does not inspire me to put forth my best effort, especially with everything else that's going on in my life. Unfortunately, the job market right now basically sucks (and yes, I know I should be happy just to have a job); finding a new job even to interview for is like finding that proverbial haystack needle.

If things don't improve around here by early next year (when my lease is up), I am going to look everywhere for a new job. It's starting to look more and more like there's fuck-all of any reason to stay here in Seattle. Seattle is and always will be my home, but it might be time to get the fuck outta Dodge. Time will tell.

I think I'll stop now ... and yes, I'd love some cheese. My favorite is muenster, thanks.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way